Dreamnotfound Oneshots

[13] Computers and Catastrophes pt.4

TRIGGER WARNING (This chapter especially)
Alcohol, suicide/selfharm mention, substance use, and brief sexual assault
If you are sensitive to any of these topics please do not read, You have been warned.

   Hungover again. I squeezed my eyes shut before opening them and blinking rapidly. I sat up quickly and grabbed the half empty bottle from my nightstand before the pain could set in, and finished the rest of the bottle in a few short gulps. I sighed as the feeling washed over my body, creating a temporary distraction from the fog in my head and the ache in my bones. I lay back on my bed, and glanced over as my sleeve rolled up, as sudden wave of pain hitting me. My arm was covered in deep scars, and fresh wounds overtop, littering the surface area like a plague. I felt the pain in my other arm too just knowing it was there. I pushed my sleeve back down harshly, not caring if it hurt. I was disgusted with myself through and through. I stood up from my bed, and stumbled down the stairs and into the kitchen, needing a glass of water. My throat was raw from the constant drinking and throwing it back up; the acid in my stomach much more prominent since I'd stopped bothering to even eat. I stood in the middle of the kitchen, leaning across the island, slowly sipping my glass of water and wondering if the sudden decision to hydrate would give me back my ability to cry. The home phone started ringing and the noise pierced through my head like a siren, but I let it ring out anyways, "Hello this message is for Ms. Davidson. This is Mrs. Martin, the secretary at Crestview High and I'm calling to discuss your sons absence for the past few weeks. If you could give me a call back at this number once you get this message, that'd be great thank you." I heard the voicemail say as the phone stopped ringing. I deleted the message immediately, then finished my glass of water and went back to my room to sleep this morning off.

   My phone buzzed with a text from someone I had met at a party a few days ago, 'party tonite @ cheys house. u goin?' I shot back a quick yes, deciding I could use a distraction a little stronger than alcohol again. I looked at the clock and saw I had an hour before it officially started, but I was never there on time. I made my way towards the bathroom and turned on the shower, twisting the knob til it was on its hottest setting then stepped back and stood in front of the mirror. I discarded my clothe slowly, watching myself taking in the state of my body. I was skinny to start, but now you could make out each individual rib, my collarbones and hip bones stuck out, and my limbs looked as if they were worn to the bone. I scanned my eyes over the places covered in scars and frowned knowing I had made myself ugly but only getting the feeling that I wanted to make more. I pulled a new razor from the medicine cabinet and dragged it across unmarked skin before I could change my mind, and watched the bright colour spread over my arms until the mirror had completely fogged over. I stepped into the shower, directly under the burning water, and let it wash away the red. I stared down at the drain, mesmerized by the way the water and blood mixed together and swirled down. I waited til the water ran clear then grabbed shampoo and lathered it up in my unkempt hair, growing longer and wavier as I hadn't had the energy to bother cutting it. I rinsed out the shampoo and grabbed body wash. I created the foam in my hands and scrubbed it into my skin. I started thinking real hard about the events of my life, playing each one in my mind. Just one big trainwreck that completely fucks me over one after the other. I started scrubbing harshly at my skin, wanting to wash away everything thats happened to me, not stopping till my skin was bright red and raw to the touch. I turned the water even further left and let the burn of the heat mixed with my sensitive skin calm the thoughts racing through my brain. Washing it all
down the drain till there was nothing left.

  I dried off, and brushed my teeth, avoiding the mirror entirely. I walked in to my bedroom and opened my closet, pulling out a dark blue jumper, and slipped it on, along with some black skinny jeans that were ripped at the knee and a pair of black vans. I grabbed my phone from nightstand and my earbuds for the walk there. I walked down the stairs and took some advil with another full glass of water, grabbed my keys and was out the door. The walk was longer than I'm used to and it was extremely cold too, but it felt nice. It was pretty at night, different from the stuffy room and bad memories that surrounded my own home, making it hard to catch my breath. I sighed out multiple times, finding a small but of joy and satisfaction at the way my breath was visible in the cool air. I sang a bit of the song that was playing in my ear and laughed softly at the way the air danced in my words. A wave of an emotion I hadn't felt in a while rushed through me, but just as quickly as it showed up, it went away. Leaving me more numb than I had been. I desperately wanted to grab it and keep it, wanting to genuinely smile and laugh again, but everytime I tried, it was just out of reach. Slipping through my fingers like the last bits of sand falling through an hourglass.