Temptation 2

1 - madden

It has been months since I've seen Hero. The day we met after he came home from rehab was the last time, I saw him. I look back on that moment, replaying every word and look in my head and can't help but feel like I gave up on him too soon. Hero looked me in the eyes and apologized for everything but what I saw in his eyes is not the same man that I loved. Hero had checked out from his feelings—he was trying so hard to show that he loves me because he wanted to protect me from himself. I didn't need protection from him; I am strong enough to make my own mistakes and choices, but Hero gave up on the relationship because he was too afraid of himself. "I can't cause you anymore pain. We cannot be together Madden. I'm no good for you." Those last words that he spoke are engraved in my head and these are the words I fall asleep to every single night. I wish I told him that those words were untrue, but I was a chicken and stubborn, so I walked away yet, I always look back. The last I heard about Hero was that he was going to be filming in Iceland for a Netflix horror film. He's been M.I.A from the media. His latest scandal was a month ago was which really, in celebrity time, is a long time—he was partying with a couple of new friends, if you can even call them that, and he got plastered to the point where he tried to fight some random bar hoppers. DJ was there to stop him before it happened, but the paparazzi got some nice shots of him swinging a video of him losing his shit on the young adults. Since that scandal, I haven't seen him in the media which I'm happy about. If I had to see his face on every single news channel, I wouldn't be able to maintain this façade of the new calm, cool and emotionless Madden. Yet, I still find myself scrolling through Netflix, Crave or even Prime, finding movies of his, just to get the slightest fix.

I still yearn for Hero – the way his warm breath felt on my ear when he'd whisper to me; I miss and need his arms wrapped around my body; the way he knew how to wake me up each morning and how gentle he woke me. What I miss most about Hero is the person that he is—or was... Although he drove me fucking crazy, I loved everything about him and even when he hurt me, I know deep down I could never stop loving him. Today, and every day, I find myself more and more desperate to feel Hero's skin on mine and as each new day continues, my body knows it's missing Hero. I barely sleep and I have gone back to my old habits. Anorexia is a mental illness which I will live with for the rest of my life, but every minute spent with Hero, I forgot about the insecurities and the 'need' to starve myself; now I sit alone most nights, with the voices in my head telling me that I'm not good enough for him, that he's better off, then his last words repeat in my mind, "I can't cause you anymore pain. We cannot be together Madden. I'm no good for you..." He didn't realize that him leaving me, was the worst pain he could cause.

Tom has been a great friend, but I know that he wants more than that. I see the way he looks at me every day; the way he smiles at me because I know that smile but yet he's not the person I want to see wear it. I smile back and I try to allow myself to feel more for Tom than just a friendship, but every romantic thought of Tom is burdened by the one I truly love. When I see Tom, I see a handsome man; chiseled and muscular whereas Hero was lean and has a few inches on Tom. Tom has all the physical attributes every girl would swoon over, but he didn't have the personality that I love in Hero. Tom is a happy person, hasn't faced much diversity in his life and I don't blame him for that; I envy that he's lived happy all his life but that makes him unrelatable to me. Hero has his struggles and his pains all different from my own, but he understands me; his gloom and darkness show in his character but what I adore is that when Hero is with me, I see that these demons are hidden, and I know that feeling because we share this. We fix each other. This I will never share with Tom—Tom is my FRIEND.

Tom took me into his home months ago and has been by my side since Hero's demons overcame him. He let me cry on his shoulder and I always used his tee or sweatshirt as a hankie. He never complained about my screaming that disrupted his sleep; nightmares of losing Hero; my sanity, kept me from sleeping more than an hour at night. Every night, I'd scream myself awake, crying and turning over in hopes to see him lying next to me—he never was. Loosing Hero was like losing all the joy in my life—I felt dead and Tom was there, caring for me; bringing me food and water—forcing me to eat against my own will.