Ahab's Adventure's In Wonderland; or The Rabbit

Chapter Forty-Five

With everyone at their right size again, the next thing was, as Ahab announced, 'to get into that infernal rabbit's garden--how IS that to be done, I wonder?' As he said this, we came suddenly upon an open place, with a little house in it about four feet high.

'Whoever lives there,' said Ahab, 'it'll never do to come upon them THIS size: why, I should frighten them out of their wits!' So he began nibbling at the righthand bit again, and did not venture to go near the house till he had brought himself down to nine inches high. He handed the mushroom up to us, and we each in turn followed suit until we were all properly shrunk.

For a minute or two we stood looking at the house, and wondering what to do next, when suddenly a footman in livery came running out of the wood--(he considered him to be a footman because he was in livery: otherwise, judging by his face only, he would have called him a fish)--and rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles. It was opened by another footman in livery, with a round face, and large eyes like a frog; and both footmen, Ahab noticed, had powdered hair that curled all over their heads. He felt very curious to know what it was all about, and crept a little way out of the wood to listen.

The Fish-Footman began by producing from under his arm a great letter, nearly as large as himself, and this he handed over to the other, saying, in a solemn tone, 'For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet.' The Frog-Footman repeated, in the same solemn tone, only changing the order of the words a little, 'From the Queen. An invitation for the Duchess to play croquet.'

Then they both bowed low, and their curls got entangled together.

Ahab laughed so much at this, that he had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing him; and when he next peeped out the Fish-Footman was gone, and the other was sitting on the ground near the door, staring stupidly up into the sky.

Ahab went timidly up to the door, and knocked.

'There's no sort of use in knocking,' said the Footman, 'and that for two reasons. First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you are; secondly, because they're making such a noise inside, no one could possibly hear you.' And certainly there was a most extraordinary noise going on within--a constant howling and sneezing, and every now and then a great crash, as if a dish or kettle had been broken to pieces.

'Damn it, then,' cursed Ahab, 'how am I to get in?'

'There might be some sense in your knocking,' the Footman went on without attending to him, 'if we had the door between us. For instance, if you were INSIDE, you might knock, and I could let you out, you know.' He was looking up into the sky all the time he was speaking, and this Ahab thought decidedly uncivil. 'But perhaps he can't help it,' he said to us; 'his eyes are so VERY nearly at the top of his head. But at any rate he might answer questions.--How am I to get in?' he repeated.

'I shall sit here,' the Footman remarked, 'till tomorrow--'

At this moment the door of the house opened, and a large plate came skimming out, straight at the Footman's head: it just grazed his nose, and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him.

'--or next day, maybe,' the Footman continued in the same tone, exactly as if nothing had happened.

'How am I to get in?' asked Ahab again, in a louder tone.

'ARE you to get in at all?' said the Footman. 'That's the first question, you know.'

It was, no doubt: only Ahab did not like to be told so. 'It's really dreadful,' he muttered, 'the way all the creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy!'

The Footman seemed to think this a good opportunity for repeating his remark, with variations. 'I shall sit here,' he said, 'on and off, for days and days.'

'But what am I to do?' said Ahab.

'Anything you like,' said the Footman, and began whistling.

'Oh, there's no use in talking to him,' said Ahab desperately: 'he's perfectly idiotic!' And he opened the door and we all passed inside.