Take Me Back

27 - Niall

tw // death

Radio silence.

There wasn't a sound to be heard in the room. Not even the doctors made a peep, they were too stunned to talk. A stray voice spoke up and whispered into the room, causing everybody else to shake their heads in sorrow. I got up from the bed and made my way over to where all the nurses were standing and saw the most horrifying thing I'd ever laid eyes on.

There, laying in one of the nurse's arms, was my son. His skin was tinted blue, and he wasn't moving one bit. His umbilical cord was woven around his neck like a snake, squeezing the life out of him. I turned away as fast as I could, not bearing to see him any longer. That wasn't Jude. It couldn't be! My son was healthy, and he would be crying when he was born, and it would break my heart but make it grow at the same time. This wasn't my son.

I looked to Jenna, who was observing the scene with bright eyes. She didn't know what was going on; there was no way she could. I met her gaze with teary eyes, and whispered to her:

"He's here"

Dr. Montez touched my shoulder, and I turned to see her looking at me with regret and sorrow.

"Mr. Horan, I'm so sorry, but there's nothing we could possibly do. It looks like baby died of strangulation by the umbilical cord at around 37 weeks and was never detected. If you'd like, you can hold him, but we'll have to record some of baby's measurements for-"

"His name is Jude. Not baby, Jude. He has a name, he's a person. His name is Jude. His name is Jude"

My body crumbled at the knees, and I fell sobbing to the ground. It felt like my life was just handed to me, and now all of the sudden it was being ripped out of my arms. 

By this point, Jenna was extremely concerned and was trying to see what the commotion about. I tried to gather myself together, because I couldn't bear to have a nurse tell her that her son was dead. An arm was extended to me, and I took it to stand up. My feet felt like bricks as I made my way over to where my wife was sitting. I sat next to her and gripped her hand like I needed it to survive. Her brown eyes looked up at mine, and I broke seeing the glimmer of hope still prominent in them. 

"Hey, what's wrong? Why are you crying? And where's Jude, why haven't they let me hold him yet?"

I swallowed, and braced myself for the difficult news I had to share.

"Petal, Jude...didn't make it. He's gone"

Her lips pursed, and her eyebrows furrowed.

"What do you mean, he didn't make it? I don't understand"

"Jenna, Jude died. He was already dead when he was born. Jude is dead"

A wail of grief filled the room and stabbed a hole right through my heart. Her frail body clung to mine, and we embraced while sobbing onto each other. It was like everything we ever wanted was crushed in the span of an hour, and it was completely out of our control. The physicians in the room watched us with pity, and stray murmurs flew between them. One by one, they left the room, their days ruined by this sadness. All that remained was us and the doctor, who extended a hand to my shoulder.

"Would you like to hold him? I know it's hard, but all the mothers who choose not to regret it. He has some skin deterioration, but for the most part he looks normal"

Jenna looked to me, and I clutched her hand in mine.

"It's okay if you don't want to, Petal, but you deserve this. You did everything you could"

"No I didn't! I'm the one that killed him, don't you see? I was the one who wanted us to take a trip, and that trip made us miss his appointment, and if we had gone then they could have seen him and saved him. Our baby is dead because of me. I don't want to look at what I've done"

Her words hit me like a train, and I broke down. In my heart, I knew she couldn't live with herself knowing she did this, even though she didn't. But there was no way to convince her that it wasn't her fault, was there? The rest of her life was going to be filled with misery and guilt because of our son's life, or lack thereof. 

I took a breath and turned to the doctor, who was holding the bundled baby in her arms. 

"I'd like to hold him, if that's alright"

She faintly smiled, and I extended my arms to grab the blanket. I gazed down at Jude, and he looked so...normal. It just seemed like he was sleeping in his dad's arms. I brushed my fingers through the few hairs he had, and felt a hot tear stream down my cheek.

"He's got your hair, Jenna. It's dark, and soft. And your mouth. It's got the same dip that yours do at the top; they're pretty. My nose, though. Very pointy. But it's adorable at the same time, 'cause it's so small"

A small grin took over my face, but was wiped off when I glanced at the baby again.

"What about his eyes? What color are they?"

"I can check those for you"

The doctor took him again, and I looked away so I didn't have to see her prod at my son's corpse.

"A beautiful blue, like yours. He definitely looked a lot like his dad"

Those words broke me once more, knowing that my son was just like me. Was. I cupped his cheek once she handed him back to me, and placed a kiss on his cold forehead.

"Would you like me to take a picture of you two?"

I nodded, and slowly pulled my phone out of my pocket and handed it to her. She captured the shot as I fixated my gaze on all his features, trying to capture them in my memory. I would never get to know him, but I loved him more than I've ever loved a human in my life. 

After what felt like forever, the doctor took Jude for the last time and asked to take him to put some things into records. The room felt empty once again, and we were left alone in our sorrow. I climbed back into the hospital bed and went back to holding Jenna. She kept quiet, not saying a word to me. I didn't know how we were going to get through this. If we could even bring ourselves back into the house that we created for our family, how could we live there? I shut my eyes and tried to fall asleep to get away from here, but was abruptly interrupted.

The huge door opened, and two of our closest friends barreled through it, oblivious to the horror that had just happened in this same room. Harry was holding a bunch of balloons printed with positive messages in one hand, a teddy bear in the other. Louis was clung to his arm, with a bag of fast food in his tattooed hand. They looked around the room until they saw us in the bed, eyes puffy and cheeks red. Their grins faded into frowns, and Harry walked over to Jenna and touched her shoulder.

"Hey, what happened? Where's the baby?"

She rolled over to avoid facing the questions, and I knew that I was going to have to deal with the explanations. I hated to leave her alone, but I knew she needed her space for the time being.

"Let's take a walk, come on"

The two boys followed me into the hallway, and my head faced the ground as I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. 

"Niall, is everything okay? What's going on with you two?"

"He was stillborn. He's gone. He's down in the morgue by now. My baby is dead, and my wife is broken, and now I have to put the pieces back together. I don't know how I'm gonna do it anymore"

Their expressions went blank, and Harry extended his arms out to me for a hug. I gave in and clung to my friend, not caring who saw. That was what I needed at the time, and I took it. If only an embrace could fix all the damage that had been done today.

a/n: im back bitches...