Take Me Back

28 - Jenna

The first week after we came home, I slept in the rocker I put in the nursery. I couldn't bear to take anything out of it, because I was still trying to deny the fact that Jude was gone. In my mind, he was still here with us, we just hadn't met him yet. Any possible scenario I made up in my head was better than facing reality. Niall and I had just faced the greatest loss a parent could ever go through. 

Niall walked into the room, sleepless eyes meeting mine. He was suffering through this alone; I was no consolation at all. Instead, my time was spent cuddling teddy bears and folding onesies that were never going to be used. Neither of us were getting any rest, an hour at most each night. We were deprived of so many things, it was slowly killing us.

"I'm going out for a walk, if you want to come with"

"I don't want to leave here, leave Jude"

"Jenna, he-"

"No, you don't get to say that! He's my son, and now he's gone. You don't understand that, because you weren't the one who had to carry him for nine months and wait in anticipation for your baby, but maybe you should think before you just leave us alone here"

"That's not true"

"No, it is true. You were just a sperm donor. I was his mother, and you were nothing compared to that. You will never begin to feel the way I do, so why don't you just-"

"I lost him too, okay? Jude was my son just as much as he was yours. You aren't the only one feeling like this, you just think you are because you have left me behind and forgot all about my feelings", he yelled. I had never heard him raise his voice like that in the twenty years I had known him. I was hurt.

"Get out"

"Jenna, I'm sorry, but we need to talk-"

"Get out. I don't want you here"

I looked up at him and I could tell that my words hit him hard. His eyes were glossed over in sorrow, but at the same time filled with rage. 

"I'm sorry, Niall", I whispered, not sure if I meant the words but knowing they were the right thing to say in the situation.

"No, I'm sorry that I'm such a burden to you that we can't even grieve our son together"

He abruptly left the room, and a few seconds later I heard our bedroom door slam. I jumped at the noise, having been used to the dead silence in our home. My body sunk down into the rocker, finally giving out. 

Faking strength is hard to do, especially when you're at your lowest.

I took a deep breath, taking in my surroundings. A picture perfect nursery, still awaiting the arrival of its occupant. It smelled fresh, everything in it being untouched. On the other hand, I smelled repulsive. I hadn't had the energy to get up and shower in nearly a week. I sighed, disgusted at myself. After some contemplation, I made myself get up and drag my feet to the bathroom. I hid my face as I walked into our room and passed the bed. Niall laid there, the blankets wrapped around him, face hidden in the pillow. He looked miserable. I stopped staring and went into the bathroom. My reflection in the mirror was a sight to be seen. There were obvious dark circles around my eyes, and my cheeks were puffy from the amount of crying I was doing. I was ashamed that I had let myself get to this point, and quickly looked away.

The water from the shower was hot, and it was replenishing on my skin as I tried to wash away all of my fear and sorrow. It was a lost cause, though, because I still felt it. Memories of that day flew through my head, and I began breathing heavily. I could feel my body heating up with emotion, and I started hyperventilating. I tried to grab the railing for support, but it was no use. My legs gave out, and I fell to the floor of the shower with a thud. I cradled my knees to my chest and rocked, panic running through me. It was another anxiety attack, but this time I wasn't sure I was worthy of help. I tried to yell, but I couldn't make a sound. I was paralyzed, and all I could do was sob. 

The door opened, and I heard a voice.

"Are you okay? You've been in here for a half hour"

My eyes widened, shocked and embarrassed by the amount of time my panic was taking from me. I tried to say yes, but instead I could only gasp for air and keep wailing. 

Niall opened the fogged shower door and saw me, looking pitiful as ever. I couldn't find the courage to look up at him. I was sitting on the floor of our shower, naked and helpless. Immediately, he walked in, fully clothed. He sat across from me and grabbed my arms. 

"Shh, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay"

I tried to protest, but I couldn't. Nothing about this was okay. I had no clue if I was ever going to recover from this.

"Can you stand?"

I didn't reply, unsure of my capabilities at this point.

"Okay, let's try to stand up. Come on, just like that. Good job"

I was on my own two feet again, but quickly collapsed again. This time, Niall caught me in his chest and held me up, stroking his fingers through my hair and shushing me. We stood there for a good ten minutes, water falling down on us. It was something so intimate, yet we were still so distanced and out of touch with each other.

"Let's get you cleaned up"

He grabbed the washcloth from the floor and put some soap on it, then started to wash my body with it. There was nothing sexual about it. It was just him caring for me like he always does when I'm like this. He lathered my body with the cleanser, making the room smell like vanilla. I continued to just watch him, unsure of where we were at. If I knew one thing, it was that we weren't going to be the same after this. I felt so guilty that he still felt like he should help me even after I treated him like that.

 It was a type of love I wasn't capable of giving back.

As my thoughts continued to soar, he washed my hair with shampoo and rinsed it out, being cautious with every move he made as if I was fragile. I was, I just couldn't admit it to him or myself.

Niall turned off the water and grabbed a towel, wrapping me in it and then finding one for himself. We locked eyes, both desperately trying to feel something, anything.

"Are we going to be okay?" I finally spoke up for the first time.

"I don't know"

a/n: im so fuckin lazy im sorryyyyy. i know i say this every time but i'll try to update the next chapter sooner. if any of my readers are struggling with anxiety like jenna is, just know im here for you and i love you <3