Mala Fides

22: Sublime

(Here goes nothing, I am really hit or miss on this part of the story, I have no point of personal reference, even Maven was nicer in the AU, but he also got a boyfriend and therapy, so....any feedback is appreciated)

sublime

- lofty, grand, or in thought, expression, or manner

-tending to inspire awe usually because of elevated quality (as of beauty, nobility, or grandeur)

archaic: high in place

When I was a boy, barely ten or so, my brother and I had a tutor.

I don't even remember his name anymore if I ever kept it in my head. I don't remember his face. I don't often keep faces if they aren't useful to me.

But I remember that he didn't last very long in the household. Thought he was a smart guy too. One day, he went off on a tandem about nortan nobles houses being fingers of a fist that work together to form society and crush the weak if they dare to move. He tried to talk about how unity at least needs to be procured to a point that makes us not lose the war against Lakelanders, and it needs to be shown in strength to handle the

I barely listened. I only asked myself what finger on the hand is the most useless. Most people would say it is the pinkie. Who needs that tiny finger, it can't grip anything, right? Who needs a tiny bone when they still keep their thumbs? Losing your thumb must be the worst if you cannot afford to grow it back directly with a skin healer.

He caught me staring at his hands and went on an even bigger tangent. Raised his voice to an unhealthy degree too. You don't raise your voice in the presence of people that are outmatching you, by blood status, power or whatever it is that does make them superior. He was there to teach me a lesson about the crushing hand of Norta. He helped me learn something else.

As it turns out, losing your pinkie is the worst. It balances the rest of your hand. I could watch him struggle to pick up things for over a week until my parents finally had pity with him and had him regrew the finger. Then he disappeared from the house never to be seen again. I had to go to bed without dinner for another week and most of my privileges were revoked. My brother snickered every time he left the room I stayed in.

A pinkie might be the most painful to lose in the long run.

But  here's the thing:  Every finger on your hand hurts if you are forced to cut them off yourself.

Pain is always horrifying, and categorizing it by severity has brought me to the conclusion that it is inconsequential to not value it. Breaking someone's body is as valuable as breaking their mind. It depends on the time you can invest in the matter. And how visible the wounds you leave with them can be.

The black cloud of thoughts swims in formless screams over every room, and I eat through some of them, every time I stop my steps. I'm not in the mood for most of them and are not allowed to touch others. I am a whisper in their heads, but they are just the same around me, tempting.  Like fruit that hang ripe for the taking.