Scarlett

Chapter 15: Pretending

Mark watched me in confusion as he stood by the door. The look of concern was evident on his face. He looked worried. I tried to wipe away the stream of tears that covered my face but more tears came in as I wiped the older ones.

I realized that there was no point in hiding them, Mark had caught me in the act and he would not leave without a good explanation. I let go of my vulnerabilities and began to cry out my feelings. Mark closed the door behind him and sat next to me on the bed. He gently wrapped his arms around me in order to comfort me and I leaned in towards him. His warm embrace felt comfortable. I cried in his arms and he held me tight. No one spoke a word. We remained quiet and comfortable against each other, within the embrace. I did not know how long we stayed that way but after a while I composed myself and sat straight on the bed, as my back rested against the headrest. 

"I'm sorry." I said when I looked at Mark as I parted to sit away from him. My face was smeared with tears and I knew that my nose had turned red. It always did when I cried. But I did not care. I was vulnerable but I trusted Mark. I knew that he cared about me. I wiped away the tears from my eyes with both of my hands.

"Do you you want to talk about it?" Mark asked with a low voice. His eyes tried to hide pain. I did not understand the reason behind the pain in his eyes. But I did not ask.

"I don't know. It is just too much. Everything is too much. I don't want to burden you with my problems." I pushed myself up on my feet and rushed to the bathroom. Mark did not follow me. 

"Don't ever think that. It will never be a burden to me. Talk to me." He told me. He did not talk until I walked out of the bathroom, having washed my face along with my vulnerabilities. I did not answer him. I did not know what to say. There was a lot in my mind. There were many things that bothered me, that made me feel vulnerable and upset.

"I want to help you, Scar. Please talk to me." Mark reassured.

"I'm afraid." I whispered. I tried to open up to him. 

"What are you afraid of?"

"I am afraid of death. I don't want to die." I confessed loud and clear. A pool of tears appeared before my eyes once again as I stifled a cry.

Mark did not speak. Instead, he leaned in closer and held me tight against his strong chest. I leaned in as well, onto his inviting arms that seemed like they were meant only for me.

"I feel weak. I don't want to cry but I can't stop the tears." I spoke in between the sobs. "I tried to look brave in the afternoon. I tried to laugh it off in front of you and Mum but I cannot pretend anymore. I am terrified of death, Mark. I am weak and a coward and I am terrified to die. I don't want to die, I don't..."

"Shh..Scar, listen to me carefully. Crying does not make you weak, okay. Neither does being afraid. It is completely natural and very normal. It only means that your feelings are real, that they are genuine. There are so many things that I am afraid of. I don't hide them. Sometimes I talk about them. It makes me feel better. You don't need to pretend in front of the ones who care about you." He explained. I looked up to see his face. His expression was serious. He meant every word that left his lips.

"What are you afraid of Mark?" 

"I am most afraid of losing the people I love and I am also afraid of not being good enough." He confessed. His voice was strained when he spoke but he did not avoid my eyes.

"I don't want to die, Mark." I repeated in a whisper.

"I know. And that's why you must promise me that you will fight, Scar. You will fight until you win." He cupped my face gently with both of his hands as he spoke. His eyes were fixed on me. I looked up to his ocean eyes and almost felt myself drown in them.