Scarlett

Chapter 11: Broken home

I stared outside through the car window as we drove on the next morning but I did not watch anything in particular. A soft melody played on the stereo but I did not pay attention. My mind was occupied with thoughts about our kiss on the previous night. Neither of us talked about it. Neither of us talked to each other. We checked out of the motel in silence and began the drive without a word. Both of us tried to avoid any kind of interaction unless it was necessary.

It was half past eight in the morning and we drove for an hour in silence. No matter how hard I tried, my mind wandered off and thought about what had happened between Mark and I on the previous night.

I did not sleep well. I woke up in the middle of the night and remained awake for hours as I thought about Mark's lips against mine. I remembered how my own body trembled with passion with his touch. The warmth of his mouth against mine dissipated throughout my body. It left me wanting for more. But my conscience interrupted, like always.

I longed to look at Mark. I longed to stare into his ocean eyes. I wanted to know why he had kissed me when he already had a girlfriend. I wanted know what his true intentions were and I wanted to know how he felt about me because I knew that my feelings for him were something even more deeper than what I had anticipated. I realised that I had already fallen and that there was no way back. I knew that I had fallen into a void. With him next to me, I fell deeper into the void with each moment that passed and I knew that there was no way back.

I wished that it wasn't a void. I wished that my feelings would be worth something. I did not know what I deserved but I wanted to feel happiness surrounded me, with Mark by my side, without having to feel the guilt of making a mistake.

"Scarlett." Mark interrupted my train of thoughts and I turned to look at him. I noticed that he had called me by my name and not Scar. It somehow did not sound right. I could sense his discomfort when he called my name. I realised that there was so much that he wanted to say but something stopped him and I wished that I could help him. I wanted him to be honest about everything. I wanted to tell him how I felt about him. I wanted him to tell me if he felt for me, the way I realised that I felt for him.

"The silence is killing me, believe me, I am sorry that I hurt your feelings." He continued. He looked at me for a moment before his eyes went back to the road. I looked at him without a word.

"Say something, or can we just forget about whatever happened last night. Maybe it was the alcohol, I'm sorry." Mark explained as he drove with his eyes fixed on the road. Mark's final sentence made me realise how wrong I was when I hoped that Mark had feelings for me when he clearly did not. He had blamed it on the beer. I realised that it was the best for me to forget what had happened on the previous night. I no longer wished to know how Mark really felt because I was afraid to lose the only friend that I had next to me. Beside my feelings for Mark, I loved him as my friend and I hoped that we would remain friends.

"Why did you kiss me?" I paused, "Be honest."

"I don't know what to say..." He sighed. I knew that he wanted to say me something, as if he wanted to express something but did not know how to do it. I wanted to help him and I wanted to know what he tried to hide but I decided against it. I assumed that it was the best if I remained oblivious. It would perhaps break my heart a little less that it already did. I was already pained by the confusion I experienced in regard to my feelings for Mark and the lack of the same from Mark, towards me. I knew that my heart would shatter into innumerable pieces if I lost Mark forever.

"Mark, for the benefit of both of us, let's just forget about what happened and please don't stop being my best friend. I don't want to lose you."

"Neither do I. You mean a lot to me, more than I can express." Mark whispered. I felt my heart swell at the confession but I reminded myself that he did not mean it as anymore than as friends.