Scarlett

Chapter 20: A song for me

I spent the rest of my days in Palm Fields in desolation. I spent most of my time in my room and I knew that it had become a source of worry for Dad. The conflict between Mark and I was evident in the manner in which we behaved and I was sure that Dad noticed all of it. He had convinced Mark to stay until the event night when had Mark confessed to him that he wanted to go back to Hillwood. Dad chose to stay away and not interfere in the matter and I was grateful for that. I wanted to go back to Hillwood. I missed Mum, Derek and even Chris. I began to feel like I had nothing else left in Palm Fields even though I knew that it was not the truth. I had Dad and I also had Steve. They mattered to me, a lot. Yet, something no longer felt right. It felt like a piece of me was missing. 

I felt broken from within. I did not know what Mark and I fought about. I did not want to fight but clearly Mark had other plans. I was sure that he tried to hide something big. Something bothered him enough to snatch away his peace of mind. And all of it affected me as well, in the worst way possible. One thing that I realised about our relationship was that I could not stay mad at him. I could not, no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to express my anger towards him yet I remained calm because something told me that Mark was just as broken as I was. But the vast distance between us was painful.

It was another reason why I felt broken. I realised that I had gotten used to being around him. I had gotten used to him being around me. For the past few months we had stuck by each other and the break in our bond broke my heart. I realised that I was addicted to Mark. I did not just want him around, I needed him around me. It was how we had been for a very long time and it felt almost like a habit. It was a habit that I never wanted to change. 

But it did change. I tried to avoid Mark as much as I could. The sad truth was that he did the same. I did not dare to look into his eyes. I knew that I would melt if I did. I did not know what kind of emotions his eyes held. I did not know if he even felt sorry about his behaviour. I assumed that he did not. I assumed it because he never even tried to talk to me. I did the same but I wondered if it hurt him as much as it hurt me.

Something that revolved in my mind a lot and bothered me constantly was what I had read on Mark's phone. I was certain that the text was from Mark's girlfriend, or as the text suggested, his  ex girlfriend. He had broken up with her, it was clear. It did surprise me to a great extent and I realised from Mark's reaction that I was not supposed to know about it. I wondered why.

Could it be the reason why he was upset? I thought. It did not explain why he was rude to me. Knowing Mark as much as I did, I knew that he would not think twice about sharing something with me. But the discussion of his relationship was a sensitive topic, I had realised it earlier. He did not like to talk about it and always tried to change the subject of discussion. All I knew about his relationship was that he had met his girlfriend in London and the two of them had been together for about four years. I did not know about the on and off situation of their relationship as the text on Mark's phone suggested.

Please don't break up again. I thought about the words but could not draw any conclusions from them. A part of me was delighted to know that the two of them were no longer together. It only gave me a chance to confess my true feelings to Mark. I would have confessed them had our situation been different. But our situation made me feel more distant than closer to him.

I spent the rest of my days in Palm Fields in loneliness and desolation. The only person that I shared my feeling with was Steve. I had explained everything to him and the only conclusion he drew from it was the repetition of his old understanding, that Mark was jealous. It was frustrating. I wanted to believe him but it felt too good to be true. Even it was the truth, I did not know how to explain my situation to Mark. Steve's relationship with David was a secret and Mark had completely shut his doors on me. I had planned to contain my emotions until the very end, till the end of the event on Sunday.