I Heard A Rumour That We're In Love // Lams (HAMILTON)

Chapter Seventeen

A/N: Sup folks, how are you? Sorry this one is a day late, I was out all day yesterday with my girlfriend. Hope you enjoy!

Trigger warnings for alcohol and drug abuse, unsafe binding, mentions of child abuse, implied self harm. Stay safe, and if you need to talk, my inbox is always open.

John's POV: 

Nothing really changes as we near Halloween. I'm still a third wheel to not one but two couples now – Laf and Herc, and Alex and Eliza. I'm still painfully alone, longing after someone I can't have. Still drinking myself into oblivion every night. Still ignoring the aching pain in my ribs, in my head. Everywhere. It all blurs together.

Alex and Eliza are still going strong, they're almost as stuck together as Laf and Herc are. Holding hands in the corridors, leaning against one another at meals, I'm sure they spend nights together too. Every kiss I watch them share is another dagger to my already crumbling heart. And then Alex comes to me for advice regarding their relationship. I don't know why, I don't know the first thing about relationships, or girls, but here we are. He's probably trying to make me feel wanted. Knows I'm still third wheeling on everyone. I feel more alone than ever.

It's not as if I'm not happy for them all, I am. I'm over the moon. I'd give all I have just to make them all happy. But sometimes I long for just a taste of that happiness for myself, instead of going through each day wondering what it feels like to be loved. The bright smiles on their faces and the endless love for everything they see in their eyes, I'd give anything for that outlook. But I'm the downer of the group, the one who starts the deep, pessimistic discussions about the world and life and values. I know that I'm a downer and yet I can't seem to shut my damn mouth.

I try so hard to put on a brave face, hide the drink, hide the track marks, hide the bruises and cuts, but it never stops. I let my guard down for one moment and it all falls apart. I don't mean for it to happen, but just one slip, whether it be something I say or just my sleeve riding up and it all goes to shit. They all work themselves up worrying about me and everything I tried so hard to hide is gone down the drain. Sometimes I just wish I could be normal.

I wish I could have been born in the right body. I wish my mum didn't get sick. I wish my dad gave a single shit about me. I wish my siblings didn't stand by and watch as he beats me half to death. I wish I could make it through a single day without needed alcohol or drugs or something else that destroys me slowly. I wish I wasn't in love with someone taken. I wish I had the energy to care that I'm slowly destroying myself. I wish I had the energy to do anything. I can hardly even drag myself out of bed and get to class anymore.

I serve more detentions than I should, morphing into anyone who pays me enough. The only teacher who can see through my act is Professor Grantaire, but he doesn't get me in trouble for it. He actually applauded me for my genius and makes me a cup of tea and we sit and talk rather than making me do lines or whatever. Unfortunately, Grantaire doesn't give out many detentions so I rarely see him. I serve far too many with Professor Enjolras. Nothing gets past him, except me, it seems.

The Halloween feast is a nightmare for me. It's so much louder than normal and all the smells and noise is just too overwhelming. I usually sleep through it, but Alex insisted I go. So now I'm sandwiched between Laf and Alex, Laf resting their head on Herc's shoulder and Alex holding Eliza's hand under the table. The teachers have stopped trying to make us stick to our house tables. After the second wizarding war they realised that inter-house unity was the key to our victory, so we get to choose who we sit with. Inter-house relationships and friendships have become more common too. I only really have one friend who's also a Gryffindor, and that's Laf.