My Story

My Story - aqua

TRIGGERS: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, SELF-HARM, EATING DISORDER

Hi to everyone reading this book. My name is aqua and i am one of the many people who are getting a chance to tell their story in this book.

i don't think there's a way to water this down, so i'll have to be straight to the point.

i used to be, and still am sometimes, suicidal and depressed.

i'm not going to glorify or romanticise these things. i'll tell you how it really is to feel so alone in the world that you really do consider taking your own life.

feeling depressed isn't just being sad or tired. it's not just when you can't get out of bed in the morning. i'm not saying what it is for everyone, but what it's like for me as an individual. 

it's where you're convinced that no one wants you, that your parents hate you and your friends want nothing to do with you. it's when i look in a mirror and cry because i hate what i see, though that is partially due to dysphoria too. 

i guess it didn't help that i didn't have good friends. they would constantly make fun of me, and not in a light-hearted way, at least not in my mind. to me they meant all the insults. one particularly hurtful one that sticks in my head is when one of them said, "hey sky, don't worry about how gross your face is, i hear plastic surgery is cheap these days."

the problem with me is i laugh everything off. no matter how much it hurts, i always pretend it doesn't. and i always smile. so people think they can get away with making rude comments to me, because "aqua always seems so happy! i've never seen him not smiling!"

while i smile at school, i cry inside. 

see, i have cut my body so many times. and no one has ever noticed. i have punched my arms until they bruise and no one cares. i have never once talked to friends or family about how much i hate myself and now awful i feel.

depression is that weight that sits on your chest and seems to crush the life out of you. i haven't felt alive for so long now, i don't remember who i am. 

i have made friends on wattpad, and almost lost every single one of them to suicide. they have all died because i wasn't a good enough friend, a good enough reason to keep them alive. thinking of what i have lost hurts so much, so so much that sometimes the pain just gets too much and i have to scratch until i bleed to get rid of it.

of course, i feel guilty after. i wonder, what if my mum sees what i've done to myself? what if she sees that her child is a freak? would she leave me alone, like everyone else i've ever cared about has?

i know i'm going to write too much in this chapter. but i just have so much to say, and a chance to say it; something that has never happened to me before. 

last year i went through a very bad patch. i was totally alone. i couldn't speak to anyone about how i felt. i just wanted it over.

i wrote out a suicide note. i put it in my mum's bedroom. 

my bedroom window is a high fall. if that wasn't enough anyway, i knew the busy road would kill me.

i opened the window and stood there, watching the cars and wondering if i really wanted to do this. 

the answer was yes.

i was so close to dying that day.

i was there, ready to jump.

but then i got scared and i suddenly realised what i was doing. i ripped up the note and ran away from the window, terrified of what i'd nearly done. 

to this day, that memory troubles me. and more than once, i've considered finishing what i was too much of a coward to do then.

in fact, a few months later i did try again. 

i was walking back from school with some "friends." they were insulting me and making me feel worthless. so instead of walking, i suddenly started running straight into the road, intent on getting hit by a car.

of course, i wasn't lucky enough to get hit.

and then my "friends" were yelling at me; calling me stupid, asking if i had a death wish or something.

and i just thought "yeah, i do."

i still have terrible friends. they continue to call me fat and ugly. now, every time i eat a meal i end up feeling sick after. some days i eat nothing, others i snack relentlessly and feel bad after.

i have my own wattpad account. i'm not going to tell you what it is, because i don't want to be bombarded with sympathy on there. that doesn't help me.

but on my account, i write books. writing is the only place i can be totally honest. the things i keep inside, i weave into my fantasy worlds and fictional characters. it's my way of venting, without announcing that's what i'm doing.

my books are my life. when i write, i can almost remember who i am.

i hate my life. so often, i wish i was born a different person, a happier person. i wish i didn't have so many irrational fears and toxic friends and painful secrets.

i also have extreme heliophobia. for those of you who don't know, that basically means i am terrified of sunlight. it makes my mum so angry, and honestly ruins our lives. it means i get so anxious that i can't breathe when i go in the sun, for fear of being burnt. so while others enjoy getting a tan, a sunny day means i hide inside and my mum shouts at me for letting my fears take over me.

i can't help it.

she refuses to let me see a doctor about my frequent anxiety, saying "you're just shy, i was too at your age."

i want to see someone about it.

i cry every day. i am closeted non binary from my family and they unknowingly deadname me every day. i'm too scared to come out.

i am bullied at school for my looks. i am bullied online for my gender identity. i can't be myself anywhere.

and i don't know who i am now.

my dad and sister hate each other. my family is broken. they scream and hit and punch and cry all night. my sister has asperger's. my mum sits with me while i cry because i know there's nothing i can do. i have to sit helplessly while they fight. my mum has talked so many times about driving to my nana's house.

i really need some proper friends. i need to see a doctor. i need to confess things to my mum and dad.

but i can't.

thank you to the person who set up this account. thank you for letting me tell my story.

if you really want to talk to me, i might give you my @, but please don't keep asking because i haven't shared it for a reason.

i don't really want to be close to anyone anymore. because everyone i got close to, left me behind. and i can't go through that again.

i'm aqua and i have scars on my arms and a rift in my heart. i have lost my true self and have forgotten how to find it. i have been abandoned and hurt by too many people.

if you're going through something similar, don't keep it inside like i do (because yes i still experience depressive episodes. but hiding it is my only option.) you should tell someone and seek help. never resort to suicide. if you need helping, just send this account a pm asking to talk to sky, and i will talk through your problems with you.

i am still not okay, i don't know if i ever will be. and i hope that one day i have someone to talk to. but for now, take care, i love you, and i will try my hardest to stay alive.