My Story

My Story- Still Struggling

Hello, I am remaining anonymous. My story doesn't have a bunch of crazy, sad parts, but I decided to write in this because I know other people have a similar story, and have to learn that even if it isn't the most traumatic experience, it's still a valid story.

TW: Suicide, suicidal thoughts, mentions of self harm

So, for context, I'm an 8th grade bisexual girl.

I don't really remember how everything started, I just know it started and got bad in 3rd grade. My beat friend found a new best friend that didn't like me, so we never got to hang out, and I didn't have any other friends that I was super close with. I started having suicidal thoughts, because I was always ignored, and as the youngest with big gaps I didn't even have my sisters. They would yell at and hit me (not badly I'm fine), and always got away with it. My dad knew how it felt, because he was the youngest of five, (I'm the youngest of three) but I was usually the butt of the joke. Skip a few months, I saw my best friend once a week now, which was amazing for me. Then, my sister's friend committed suicide. I saw how sad everyone was at the funeral, and I decided no matter how much I hated my life then, I wasn't going to put anyone through that. Skip to the start of 4th grade, I had more friends, and saw my best friend more. I made two friends in my class, and we became inseparable. I still called (let's call og bff Diana) Diana my best friend, but these two new friends were amazing. Then, I started becoming friends with a girl (let's call her Laura) and she shared the same intrusive thoughts as me. That I'm worthless, and that if I died everyone would be a little bit happier. Right as we bonded, I learned she was moving across the country. Back to school, Diana had a super mean teacher that made the whole class cry every single day. This got hard on her, and she came to me for emotional support. Which, I, of course, happily obliged. The next year, 5th grade, was an emotional roller coaster. I had horrible anger issues and couldn't control myself. In the beginning of the year, I got really mad at my friend and dug my nails into her wrist. I got in big trouble, and had to do a "therapy" session with the school counselor that didn't even help. My friend forgave me luckily, and we don't talk about it anymore. Then, I started talking to Diana and her group of friends more and more, while having a bunch of drama with her toxic friend. My two friends from fourth grade took her side on an argument, that turned into a full out war. I had to write an apology letter to them saying that I was sorry for saying I didn't want to be friends with the toxic girl. (let's call toxic girl Gia) There was a lot of useless drama, so much of it that I don't remember all of it. Then one day, I stormed after Gia and her gang, yelling at them for being brats and spreading rumors about me. I got in trouble. The best part, is that Gia's mom was my advanced math teacher, so I knew that the teacher would fail me if I did anything else. The rest of elementary school was a new drama story every day, more than half of them not caused by me but blamed on me. The suicidal thoughts got worse. Then, I started middle school. Everything was perfect, for two weeks. I forgave Gia and her friends, because I knew I was also being toxic, and we agreed to start over. I was added into a groupchat that talked all the time, and Gia was in it. I made so many new friends, and the intrusive thoughts even took a break. Then, someone made a fake screenshot of me talking bad about Gia, the sc taken WHILE WE WERE HANGING OUT IN PERSON AT A STARBUCKS. Gia was talking about running away, and I walked my dog while trying to talk her out of it. Then, I got a text from her that confused me. It said "I know what you said about me." I was so confused, and asked her what I said, and she told me to not play dumb and to just shut the hell up and leave her alone. Guess what? The suicidal thoughts came back. I tried to pretend like I didn't care, and was always nice to her. I couldn't tell her that I didn't say anything, because she blocked me. 6th grade was mediocre after that, but I started getting ignored by one of my friend groups, and that made everything worse. I started hating everything about myself, and just wishing I could jump down a black hole. Then, one of my friends got mad at a joke I made, (it literally wasn't in any way shape or form offensive or rude) and we got in a big fight and unfriended each other. At this point, I was starting to fall apart, and seriously consider suicide. I didn't talk to anyone about my problems, and was slowly falling apart. About once a week, I would beg for a sign to stay alive, and received a small amount of happiness a few days after. I eventually took that as a sign, and started to pull myself together, all of this without anyone else knowing. I burst into a fit of rage every day at my family, and in turn got made fun of by them more. Don't get me wrong, I love them, but sometimes they should lay off of it. This stage in life went on for a year. I'm now in quarantine, after getting better, I'm feeling worse. I never cut before (and luckily still haven't) but was considering it. One time I picked up a blade and put it to my hip. (I had decided that it would be easiest to hide there and even though I couldn't cut much on my hip I would figure it out if I needed more room) But, something stopped me. I looked at the blade and got out of my trance, threw it on the ground, and started crying going to my room. At this point, I knew I was attracted to women, and thought I was omnisexual. I came out to my parents on June 1st, and found a way to get back into the closet the same day even though I knew my parents were supportive. I cried the whole day, and was so ashamed of myself because I felt like I wasn't a proud member of the LGBTQ community, and that I would be shamed because I wasn't strong enough to be out. My grandma died, and I'm still recovering from that. My cousin is struggling with bullying and might give herself an ED. My friend attempted suicide, and I found out yesterday. I still haven't really told anyone about my struggling, and don't plan to in the near future. Me publishing this chapter, even anonymously, is a huge step, and I want to help others understand their worth and know that they aren't alone.

I haven't been diagnosed with any mental health problems, because I have yet to talk to anyone, but if anyone cares I will tell you if/when I do.

I'm getting better, learning to love myself, and understand that if someone else decides my worth by a glance, I will show them and myself that I'm 10x better.