My Story

My Story- K

⚠️TW!!! Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal Intentions/Attempts(2 times), swearing, racism, and just overall pretty depressing stuff so BUCKLE UP⚠️ DONT DO WHAT I DID THESE ACTIONS WILL EFFECT ME FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE

Hellooo, I would like to remain anonymous for this but you can call me K if you want :D Sorry if I try to make this a little more lighthearted, it's just a habit when I try to get serious or talk about myself. I think it's a form of coping if that makes sense.

I grew up in a really sheltered area in California, small town with a lot of money to just throw away but with an even smaller mindset, but I didn't go to school there, instead, my mom and I would drive for an hour and a half every day to go to a school in the low-income communities of LA. My parents lived in poverty their whole lives and grew up to be successful, and able to give me the life they never had, but they also wanted me to see what it was like to live that way so I never took what I had for granted. 

My mom was the principal of the school and her dream was to give the kids there a better life too. I don't remember much there, just that those were some of the happiest school years of my life, yeah I got made fun of a lot for being the principal's "perfect daughter", but I made a few friends that actually liked me (I think) and I was just happy.

And then 3rd grade came along.

The school got shut down for health reasons, but when it was eventually cleared and we were able to go back, my parents wouldn't let me, so I had to say bye to all my friends and was forced to go to the school where I lived.

It was a really big school, kindergarten to 6th grade, with a track system (basically 2 classes to a teacher), and with a population of over 78% white students, so as a Mexican American, I stood out a lot. 

After a few weeks I eventually became "friends" with this (r e a l l y toxic) group of girls, to be honest they kinda treated me like their servant and would force me to do things that I didn't want to do, so as soon as someone pointed it out to me I got out as fast as I could. I left their group but they would still kinda follow me around and give me notes saying I'm worthless and other clique insults. It didn't really get to me until they started spreading rumors that I wasn't from here and that they were going to "send me back to Mexico where I belonged". I was already kind of self conscious that I was one of the few people of color in my class so that kinda hurt. I was also bilingual at the time so I just stopped speaking Spanish all together (one of the worst decisions of my life btw, I still can't speak it to this day even though I understand it).

And so I was alone for a while, then I met 2 girls that are still some of my best friends to this day. They helped me a lot through that time and I honestly can't thank them enough for that.

Even after the rumors got old and no one talked about it anymore, I was still getting bullied, it wasn't as bad as before though. The leader of that group moved away towards the end of the year and it was ok for a while, just focusing on my friends and trying to keep up my grades. What those people had said to me was still in the back of my mind but I tried to ignore it.

4th grade came along, no one really bothered me. Everyone kinda just stuck to their own friend groups and I stuck to mine and everything seemed like it was fine. I was around 9 at the time and that was when I started to think about how others saw me, and that was when my 'thoughts' started.

I started believing what those girls said about me, and what they told others about me. I only thought of myself as trash, and not worth anyone's time. I absolutely hated how awkward I was and how oblivious and stupid I seemed. I hated how I still had a slight accent and how weak I was.