My Story

TW: Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Eating Disorder 

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This is actually very recent. Although I guess it started about a year or two ago. And for my own reasons I would like to remain anonymous.

I was never the most, happy in my body. I would get fat shamed, even though the doctors told me I needed to maintain my weight and not really lose any or gain any. I've always been this way but around two years ago it really hit me. I ended up binge-eating and gaining weight, which turned into more fat shaming. 

By then I was done, I started eating way less, exercising in secret a lot, and just began changing. I tried keeping a straight face in public and just putting on this fake persona which everyone bought. By then, all the fat-shaming stopped and people actually started complementing on how I lost weight. They never once took into consideration that maybe, I wasn't happy or, I was just tired of all of this. 

The whole event started to trigger me even more, and that's when IT started. You see, I have the tendency to try and make myself barf (it isn't very polite I know). I wasn't always like this though, it took me about 3 tries before I could actually do it.

The first time was about a year ago, however I still tried to do it as little as possible. Sometimes I would do it because I felt bloated, or because I felt like I ate too much. I would take into fact when I did it so I would not get caught. 

Around the same time I started thinking about just ending it all. I would come up with multiple different scenarios and how they would effect me and the people around me if I failed. I also thought about if someone actually cared about me or if they were just faking it. 

I decided that enough was enough and I needed to try and fix things myself. I gained my confidence, stopped forcing myself to throw up and gained some weight. I started to get closer to my real friends and everything was going fine. 

Until Lockdown.

By then I was literally trapped in a house with my family which wasn't to bad, but I couldn't get any escape. I started to lose a bit of sanity and would stay in my room as much as I can. Of course, my family who thinks that we live in a blissful world thought that it was just because I was a teenager. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and I come across a misogynistic man who started bashing out on people like me. I tried to reason with him but just ended up reporting and blocking him. I decided to try to calm myself down by just taking a breather before I was going to have lunch. 

Now the fat-shaming had stopped, so ultimately people started thinking of other things to pick on, like how I started being a lot more out going as well as a sassy personality (which wasn't the problem). As I was sitting my family started pointing out that when I talked I showed way too much emotion and that it sounds like, "I'm always on my period". 

I quickly excused myself and went to the bathroom. I decided to try it for the first time. I decided to cut. I couldn't find the razor but I found some scrap metal. I kept on cutting and cutting, not deep enough to bleed out, but enough for it too inflate and to scar. I wore hoodies for a while and when anyone asked I would just say "I don't know" and they would believe me. 

Around that time I made an online friend who we'll just call "Sally". Sally was really nice and understanding and helped me a lot. She would tell me better ways to cope with it was just a friend who always had my back. She helped me realize that how I was before this whole "corona thing" and that I bounced back once so I can do it again. If I didn't become friends with her I might have just tried to kill myself.

But now, we reach a day before online school was going to start. And let's just say, I was terrible. Nothing was ready and I was stressing the whole day trying to figure things out. 

I was trying to get ready and things weren't going well at all. I tried to prepare for the next day but I just couldn't. Bonus point, my family wasn't the most polite that day. 

At first I was just screaming into a pillow before I decided to be irrational. But it all went downhill from there. (What I'm about to say wasn't anyone's fault.)

My best friend (in real life (let's call her Meg)), wanted to Face-Time, she was talking about her loss of appetite that morning and how she just had an apple. Of course, no one knew what I was going through the past two years, but they knew I wasn't at my best point. 

What she said ended up triggering me. I told her to give me 15 minutes. 

In those fifteen minutes I managed to relapse, and started puking my guts out, which isn't a very pretty sight. I quickly changed, cleaned the bathroom, and tried to make myself look more decent.

She thought I just changed so that I didn't end up eating lunch in my pajamas so didn't really question it. After that, I quickly made an excuse to leave and tried calming myself down. 

To make it worse, my family didn't even feel like having lunch together so I had nothing too distract me (my siblings woke up late and had a late breakfast and my parents already ate). I decided to make some pasta and eat fruits. 

After that I had to face the fact that school was starting the next day and I still didn't get prepared. One thing lead to another and by then I just gave up on the floor crying. I did something I did only twice before, I cut. Everywhere from my thighs to my hands. I used any sharp thing I can see. By the time I started washing my hands I realized something:

What problem was I solving by doing this to myself?

I then decided to talk to Sally about it. I told her everything and how I wanted to solve the problem. She then told me her stories which really helped to enlighten me and let me know that I wasn't alone.

From then I had started to get better, but am not completely "back to normal". I told Meg how some things trigger me but I never told her why. Luckily, she respected the fact that I wanted some privacy and didn't really push me. I still haven't told anyone besides Sally what I'm going through but that's fine.

But now, I would just like to share some things that helped me A LOT:

1) Have a small little corner you can retreat too. It doesn't have to be big and fancy, all it has to be is some place you can have to yourself when you aren't at your best and need a spot for bingeing or reading.

2) Reach out, if you need help say it. There is honestly nothing to be ashamed about. You are trying your best to figure things out and improve yourself and that's all that matters.

3) Don't let ANYONE tell you that what you're going through may be irrelevant. If they do then hit them with the:

4) Just remember that people love you and things will get better. You just might be someone's world. There will always be a person that cares about you and never forget that. 

Of course things won't get better immediately and that's fine because as you can see, I'm still a work in progress. 

Now promise me you'll try to stay alive and just try to keep a smile on your face.