My Story

TW: This mentions self harm and suicide, feel free to skip this chapter

It started when my friend asked if I wanted to be his boyfriend... 

I didn't think anything toxic would happen, I thought we would be together forever...

Boy was I wrong...

My story starts at a time in my life when I was in a toxic relationship( and still kind of am sadly)

I was in a relationship with my best friend, and he was struggling, a lot...

He would vent to me about his family a bit. 

Saying how he had to clean the house and cook, etc. 

When he was feeling down, I did my best to cheer him up. I don't know if it helped though. He'd say that he would be happy for about an hour, then his family would ruin it. 

I was in this relationship for roughly 6 (or more, I've lost count) months- 

I thought I had finally made him happy for more than an hour... until he said that he would start cutting again. 

He said it was the only way.

It felt like I had failed...

Failed in life, failed to make him happy.

Failed. Just, failed...

My heart felt like it broke into a million pieces and someone had horribly glued it back together saying, "your heart doesn't matter, your friends do."

Fast forward a few more months and two more people were in our relationship...

He asked me if it was okay to have them in our relationship. 

  I said yes, I didn't want them to feel even more sad than they already were...

Their issues slowly started turning into my issues. 

Piling higher and higher until I fall. 

I was so focused on fixing their problems that I didn't have time to look after my mental health and my own problems. 

He( my ex) would at times ask me if he could commit suicide. 

We'd have these child-like arguments.  

I'd always say no, he'd always say yes. 

At times he would say please.

I still said no, of course.

In the end, I would win.

Somehow, I got through to him. 

My mom gave me the courage to break up with him...

So I  did.

He responded with a simple, ok.

(this next event happened about two days ago) 

Him: you barley talk to me :'(

Me: I talk to you almost every day...

Him: no you don't

Him: we barley do ff's anymore-

Me: bruh

(yes, I literally texted him 'bruh'-)

I think something in me,

Snapped.

I thought, 

You know what? I actually don't give a f*ck.

I don't care. 

I was finally done. 

For so long, I thought he was "the one". 

He wasn't

and if my ex is reading this...

I just have to say...

I'm sorry

for everything.

I'm sorry I didn't make you happy.

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this.

I'm sorry for breaking up with you.

At times, I'd feel bad thinking you would commit suicide. 

And when you didn't, I'd just feel stupid...

You know who you are...

If you're going to commit suicide...

It'll fix your pain

but it'll pass it on to someone who cares.

That's that, my story so far. That doesn't mean my story is completely done...yet.

It might be considered "too easy" in my eyes

but to you

it might be something else completely...

Stay safe.

-annoumous