Almost Never Existed

Chapter 3

If it wasn't for haram reasons

I can't get enough of having coffee's.

Having a Deja Vu has become one of the norms for me, as hard as it is to admit i actually am adapting to this sort of lifestyle of not having him around. Okay wait, let me rephrase that 'not having him in my life anymore'. sounds much better!

my adrenaline increases as i hear his name being spoken by my family members, it gets to my nerves and does bother my so called empty peace. It feels like it's been forever, his voice is no longer sitting in my head, i hardly remember how he sounds like, all i have left is faded memories of me and him, and a couple of screenshots of our old chats and alot of pictures of him which are stored somewhere in my google photo's, i know i have to sort them out, or maybe delete them for good.

But for now i tell my self to get over with the grief, and i'll be good to delete memories in no time.

This month has been quite rough with me, dreams are the only thing that reminds me to reminisce on my past or most definitely (him), he never fail to appear in my dreams, short visions of him leaving, a-lot of scenario's of him accusing me or wanting me back in his life, yeah based off of this statement, you can call me a dreamer.

None of this would've felt real last year, i would have never agreed to let go of him if it wasn't for haram reasons, Allah want's to guide me, all i had to do was shoo away the whispers of shaytan and accept life as how it's supposed to be.

Allah wanted to guide me, i felt that spark in my heart and when i did i took advantage of it, because once it's done, it's done, it would be complicated to go back and take it back.

If you were to ask me for a relationship advice. Well, i would say compromises are meant to be done by both ends, but if one side slips, the whole relationship would be in chaos. I personally wouldn't want to tie you in a web of fear but i rather ask people to give up if they fail to compromise for one another, somewhat giving up is better than holding onto something you are not capable of dealing with.

Time allows us to travel through a train of different situations and with each situation you are given an opportunity to learn and grow, whilst we learn and ponder our so called feelings and mindset tends to twist and change, by default, and before anyone could point! voila you're a whole new person, weird isn't it?

Nevertheless i wouldn't encourage people to give up at one shot. But when you give up thinking that, giving up is the best option possible and that you are capable to overcome your emotions and take full control over yourself, then go ahead. Do it! And that is something that i have anticipated doing if ever that i would give up. As for now, i'm patiently waiting for what life has to offer me.

I can't stress enough on a quote that i have recently came across, 'never put faith in someone no matter how close they are to you by heart'. And speaking of trust, trusting a person is completely different to having faith in them.

It is that time of the day where i overwhelm myself with emotions, my heart feels heavy and stomach knotted with pain and regret.

I'll do the best of my ability to ensure that the people surrounding me would not fall into the same conduct as i did, or maybe i pray that they won't.

Im standing at the edge of the balcony, feeling broken in the inside, I don't seem to move on.

With every blink i take, his face flashes through my head, with every direction i turn, our memories appear. My brain is in constantly being reminded of him as i pull a poker face trying to smile the pain away.

Here i am standing dumbfounded, my heart palpitating through the pain that i have caused my self.

This is a sacrifice for the greater I remind my self and move on through the day.

I feel like I can't breath sometimes, like Im desperately gasping for air, my lungs wouldn't corporate, seems like my body wants to give up already. 

A twirl of emotions overweights my head, but yet i tell my self "i can do this"," i can get through this", it's only a matter of time and trust in Allah's plan. I should trust in Qadr.

Eventually, deep down we all know that things will fall into place, our hearts would be of acceptance towards destiny. We might not want the life we own, but someday we might see past it, like it's all meant to happen, and it's all worth at the end. I am awaiting for such a day.

I sob my whole pain letting the musallah to absorb my salty tears, my lips quivered as my heart started to pound, with the rhythm of pain i raised my palms asking for duas. All i need right now is peace, peace of mind and a stressless mind.

I am in a shape of constant emotions, they twirl around like tornado; a little bit of positivity, a twinge of fear, a good amount of pain and the worst regret and depression.

I hope to see the day where when i wake up i hear the sound of air, birds and the sound of life giving me what i deserve. Or probably the sound of my husband calling for my name, when that happens i wish nothing but a smile on my face and my heart in love.

But here Iam balling my eyes out reminiscing on the past, maybe one day Allah will grant me him, maybe one day I'll have him forever and nothing would stand as a barrier between us.

Maybe one day is all that i live for and look forward to.

That day could either be lived or never existed; however I'll keep my hopes neutral, but I'll allow it to lean slightly towards the positivity. Because no matter what i go through, the amount of challenges i face, i still remain a human with a heart that barely seems to heal.

and a believer is someone who has hope.

Shaytan wants to angle me from every direction possible, I've been hit on by passing strangers, new dm's appear on Instagram, my tweets are being retweeted by desperate looking boys.

Sometimes i wonder if half the population of males' in the world tend to play around with girls? I mean, luckily i have come across many who doesn't, but also seen many who does.

I figured that i needed to have a walk, i love the uncertainity of the wearther and i wanted to breath amongst the transition between summer and winter. Although i can't pull myself together i know that i can try to, i can give it a shot. I'm tired of letting my lungs burn with tears, i want my lungs to burn with air.

I made it back home just before sunset, i've ordered a bunch of unnessary stuff's for myself as a treat for being alive this far. I'm genuinely impressed with how i have managed not to kill my self. Not that i was ever suicidal, but if i was it would only be for "him".

I know this sounds cliche, but i have never imagined a life without him, and here iam living the life without him, but he still lives in my heart, he is very safe and very much alive and i couldn't be any happier knowing that he still lives within me, and that is what i have decided to cling onto for as long as i can.

after all it isn't haram or bad to love someone by your heart is it? or is it not? if not i humbly request the universe to knock some senses into my head.