Almost Never Existed

Chapter 4

Memories Hit Me Like Waves

3 Months Later

Maybe a clean slate is all i need, things have almost faded, I've received plenty of proposals asking for my hand in marriage and never have i felt the need to share my life just yet, i have a whole life to discover on my own, plenty of healing to do, i need to focus and implement on my Deen.

I've asked my brother to drive me to the beach, apparently it did happen but a little different than expected. I obviously wanted to be on my own, have my own company and my own thoughts but things don't always work the way we want it to does it? a couple of random strangers well; friends of friends to be precise tagged along with us, i don't necessarily make friends! i like to keep my circle small. But when you are put in a situation to mingle and talk, you got to do what you have to do.

Although i have people around me, random conversations of him and i hitched me as the wind hit my face. It's almost winter and it isn't as how it's supposed to be, the wind isn't too cold nor is it warm. The weather is mild just like me, going along the flow not too depressed and not internally too happy.

I'm glad i offered my fajr salah, sujood really felt different, very soft, I've always admired the sand of the beach and the comfort that it gives me, my forehead felt relaxed and my mind is peaceful and clear, just what i had anticipated.

It's just me and my Rabb, i hear incoherent chatters from random strangers but right at this moment my soul is at it's peace and I thank Allah for giving me a chance to live today.

Embrace every day and every breath you are given, you'll never know when it will be taken away.

Alhamdullilah

As calm as the water seems like, in actuality it's a little colder and darker, the more i go further the more alone i feel, but that didn't stop me from going further.

The sun is about to rise, stars painted the dark and pale sky.

Intending to relax my mind as i float my self on the water but in the middle of the ocean memories hit me like waves.

I thought i had an anxiety attack although I don't know what it feels like because i have never had them in my life. I almost felt as if i was gasping for air, my lungs are being suffocated. At that very bit of the night i felt like i wanted to be gone, vanished, taken by my Rabb.

I don't know if i'm getting used to this phase of my life or if i'm forcing my self to move on and assume that i have.

The following days went well, or maybe just 'ok' i would randomly wake up having lung spasms, and my days would feel empty yet filled with chores.

During busy days i still tend to have so much of free space up there in my head which explains why i still think of him, part of me never forgot about him but part of me never actually moved on. The dilemma of trying to figure our my self has gotten too hard to the extent that i no longer want to know what phase I'm in, or wether or not i have moved on.

Let alone identify that.

I made my self a warm cup of cinnamon coffee, touched on a couple of tv shows, distracting myself is a great getaway.

You will never get used to pain, you just learn different ways to deal with it. Pain is always pain; no matter how many times you've been hurt. You will never get used to it. There's no such thing as 'i'm used to it'. Likewise happiness is always happiness no matter how many times you get happy in your life, you'll never get used to being happy.

Human's are fragile and weak, we tend to pretend that we're strong by saying 'i'm used to it' no my dear, deep down it still hurts, it stings, it bothers and nags you.

What makes you strong is simply admitting to yourself that you are hurt, and it is okay to be hurt. It's okay to be hurt again and again by the same situation. You are not accountable for your emotions.

Just hold on to the rope of 'hope' Allah won't let you down, He hears, He see's, and He Almighty knows.

Im strong because, ive built myself up, at the time i was alone, when i cried my self to sleep, when i lost my appetite and watched trials and test on my way. I've noticed no one is ever there for you, no one is permanent. You just have to swallow the pill and move on with life and the essentials. You have to build yourself, look past mistakes and the past, focus on deen and believe in qadr. Now regardless of whom i lose or who walks away, im still strong because ive built my walls and ive learnt to struggle and strive by myself for my self and for the sake of Allah.