Almost Never Existed

Chapter 2

Echoed Emotions

I can't seem to put my feelings into words, keeping a journal is slightly inconvenient to my current schedule yet i still manage to write two to three pages a day.

Compressing the pen against my fingers, my grip almost crushing the pen, i then started scribbling my emotions into letters, letters formed into words, words into sentences as i move my pen swiftly writing my thoughts, a flash of you appears in my head, too late to realize that i have written about you, literally all the pages written previously were about you, not a single day goes by without your name being echoed in my prayers and in my journal. Sometimes i feel like you've almost stolen my life.

But then again, no one steals anyone and no one belongs to anyone. To Allah we belong and to Allah we shall return. 

I would always remind my self that the life that we were put in to live is short, too short to even waste our time doing unwanted things, i would rather reserve my self doing the things which pleases my Rabb simultaneously satisfying my soul, than waste my precious time with worldly materials which would not benefit me nor would be of any help to my afterlife. I want to gain eternal happiness, i'm trying my best to achieve it as much as i can before it's too late, before my body is being washed by a group of women, before being wrapped around in a white cloth, before being buried 6 feet below without any companion or guardian, the only thing what would protect me is my good deed's and my religion.

The sun is about to set within a couple of minutes and i have prepped my self for maghrib salah. I can't wait to hit my head to the ground hoping to attain peace, i want to meet my Rabb as soon as possible, i want Allah to take me to Him, i want to get out of this terrible world right now, but then again I'm afraid to die with the records of all the things which i have done in my past, i don't even know if i have enough good deeds to be applicable to enter Jannah.

For the past week I would barely even have time to look after my self, but when i find my self being idle or have have a couple of hours to my self,  i absolutely feel like i'm lost, i feel like i have nothing to do and when i have nothing to do i'm afraid my brain would be occupied with the thoughts of you.

What must you be doing now? You could be having dinner with your family, or probably share a few jokes and laugh about it with your family, I've always admired the way you bond with your parents, it's so fascinating to witness a male getting along with his parents and siblings, being helpful, being a guardian and being the man of the house, only if i was married to you by now, I would be a proud wife.

Not that I'm not proud now, i'm just not your wife yet, it's a hard pill to swallow.

I brew myself a cup of coffee.

My thoughts have overwhelmed my brain leaving no escape of stress, everything seems normal and ordinary apart from my mental health.

Within a blink of an eye the adhan for Isha has called out, hours pass like seconds when i have no one around me, I am trapped in this dunya with a book of guidance and the way to live, I just hope i get the hang of it, i just pray for me to get through this.

"Whispered in my heart, echoed in my duas, and spoken about to Allah"  i let a frown take over my face today, I've allowed my self to shed some tears, my tears coating my lashes like frosted salt, i licked the tear that slid straight across my cupids bow and gasped for air.

If i were to lose my self, to cry my lungs our or throw my self for comfort id gladly do it on the musallah, after having offered my salah, after praying for peace and forgiveness, after knowing that 'in the remembrance of Allah do the hearts find rest'.

Ibn Umar used to say "When you are in the evening, do not expect to see the morning, and when you are in the morning, do not expect to see the evening." There words are powerful enough to stake my heart with strength and motivation.

I can do this! I am put into this world for a reason, my destiny is written, my career is written, my spouse is written, my wealth is written, my health is written. I am the creation of Allah and my body Belongs to Allah swt, it is my responsibility to take care of my body from any harm and temptations; therefore i am obliged to be careful and to stay calm and positive

Sometimes we need to be our own advisors, we require an alter ego within ourselves to calm us from our sorrows, i'm not ashamed to confess that i have inherited both negativity and strength from my father and for some reasons i'm not able to get it off my traits.

The evening ended with a bit of humidity, the air conditioner in my bedroom started to leak again causing the mattress to absorb the droplets, surprisingly i'm not as bothered as i used to be in such situations, i placed an old bucket correctly to where the water was dripping.

Before i fell asleep, i read 3 qul surah's and blew them over my body, i lay my head on my pillow, barely felt sleepy or tired, i knew i needed to rest my body in order to stay fresh and alive.

But part of me feels dead in the inside.

I hummed the song i've written for you, which was intended to be sang on the day you make me yours, by yours i mean to be yours halalfully.

My emotions kept echoing repetitively causing my mind to over think and drown myself in stress and anxiety.

‏Over thinking will never be the solution to the problem, rather it fuels up unwanted thoughts and action plans which could potentially ruin your life. I force myself to stay away from excessive thoughts, though i find it inevitable.