Almost Never Existed

Chapter 5

Trauma and Tolerance

Who would have known making us halal would literally put a full stop to our relationship.

For the past few weeks i have noticed major changes within him, like; the sort of posts he'd share indicating that he no longer trusted me, the amount of times he tweeted relevant situations regarding trust issues, and his repetitive reactions made me realize that i no longer had him, that he no longer needed me. That we have ended our relationship the moment i wanted it halal with him.

My heart weeps out to the almighty to grant me the person that it aches for.

As i go through his account, i gaped at the fact that he no longer trusted me. And here i am connecting bits and pieces of my broken heart.

During the course of depression, i have came across a lot of meticulous people and unnecessary friends, i learnt that bottling up my feelings does nothing but holds a bunch of unheard emotions and pain.

Primarily it is not quite mandatory to vent out your emotions to anyone that happens to be there, rather to someone who has known you for a very long time.

In my case, my pain and sufferings are heard by the almighty, however my emotions tend to slip to whomever appears in between.

Days flew by, and so did my tolerance to patience. I have completely lost my self in between. I felt like i saved myself from committing lot of awful things whilst i was in pain.  My heart does not seem to subside, although my love for the particular human being remains intact.

As days passed by emotions are being unstable due to the fact that he no longer belongs to me, this chapter of life have proved it's unpredictability.

I would frequently find my self entering the digits of his number, on top of the fence holding myself from my thoughts. 

In fact i did call him up, slightly to check wether he still feels the same for me or if he would potentially come back to me in the future, however to my consternation i did not find a solitary positive response, therefore i completely felt neglected, left abandoned with no clue, no assurance and no plans.

I yearned for a shoulder to lean on and i wanted to be strayed and distract my heart from the disturbance of pain and hurt.

I didn't want to feel an ounce of guilt running through my heart because i knew i did it purely for the sake of Allah and that i wanted to attain closeness and piety from the Almighty. So i have that to stick on to till the end.

Our love language was indeed very different but that was the mother tongue of my heart, irreplaceable love.

That is the sort of language my heart would ever speak.

The bitterness of the pain made me feel absent from the world, i wouldn't have the energy to do the things i love anymore, I did not feel like cooking nor eating anything at all.

I've lost my appetite along with myself, i've disconnected myself and kept my self isolated.

Throughout the phase i was going through, a very unmethodical situation took place. Asif, a known friend of mine appeared into my life out of the blue, i knew having this person would do nothing but make things worse than it seemed to be but a part of me thought that it probably could have been Allah's plans and what can be worse than me not having the one i love? The person whom my heart aches for does not trust me, and does not want me.

He had already spoken to his mom about me. The following week he convinced his dad and had appointed a date for his dad to phone me.

I allowed myself to go with the flow pushing my boundaries away, Asif wanted nothing but to see if we were destined to be together or not, and at this point of my life i wanted to see where my life goes and move past the pain i was put into, things went quicker than it normally would.