Listen // Lams

Chapter 14

- John -

I think we both had a little bit of shock to deal with after my question.

Alex looked surprised that I would even dare to ask about his writing, something we've always let exist but never really spoke about. I asked him sometimes what he was working on, but I always got an incomplete or shrugged off answer. I just stopped asking after a while, only occasionally asking here and there when things seemed to be going less-than-great.

I was surprised at myself for actually asking to read it. I mean, that's a big part of his life that I'm very suddenly trying to enter. Obviously, as his boyfriend, I want to know what's on his mind. But I respect the fact that he doesn't want to tell me every detail of how he feels and I never try to force him to.

You really want to? He signed after a moment. I decided to just go for it. The worst he can say is no, right?

"Yeah, I do. If you'd let me, obviously. I think it could help with some communication hiccups and I could understand what's going on in your head a little better." I said. He seemed hesitant and dazed, thrown off by my question.

I just don't know, John. That's just part of my life I've always kept to myself. I don't know if I'm ready to share that yet because it's really a lot. I just... I'm not sure. He signed, an apologetic and guilty look on his face. I reached for his hand across the table once he finished signing and gave it a squeeze.

"It's alright. I can wait as long as you need. I'm willing to wait for it." I said with a small smile, feeling the slightest bit disappointed but knowing that I shouldn't take it personally.

I'm sorry, John. He signed back slowly and I shook my head. There was nothing for him to be sorry for, no reasons to apologize.

No, John, I'm sorry. He signed back adamantly, a new look coming onto his face. I couldn't tell exactly what it was but he seemed really off.

"What's wrong?" I asked. He head was lowered and he shook it. I could hear him sniffling a little bit and he looked up, tears pouring down his face.

For what this is about to be. He signed messily, his hands shaking as he tried to scrub away his tears.

"Oh, Alex." I said softly, grabbing all our food and taking his hand, quickly pulling him along with me to our nearby car. He began to cry harder as I opened the back doors, encouraging him into the car as I sat in the back with him. I knew it would be easier to console him in the back of the car with no barriers between us like there would be in the front seats.

I held him against me, his frail figure trembling and shuddering as he choked out sobs. This was probably the most noise I'd ever heard from him, and it killed my heart. Absolutely crushed it into pieces.

"Hey, hey, it's okay." I said, rocking him gently. He shook his head against me and I could feel his tears on my skin.

I held him against my body for a while and his crying began to slow after around ten minutes. I stayed there with him in my arms for another ten after that until he seemed to be all done, just a few sniffles here and there. He was still shaking a little, and his red-rimmed eyes looked worn-out and exhausted.

"You wanna just lay down back here and I'll get us back to the house?" I asked. He nodded and I gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead before moving to the drivers seat.

I carried him upstairs once we got back to the Schuyler mansion, an easy task with his tiny frame. He was practically asleep in my arms by the time I put him into our bed.

I dutifully stayed next to him, playing games on my phone and scrolling through social media while I waited for him to wake up. A couple of times he jolted awake, more tears falling, but I was quick to pull him into my arms and stroke his hair until he calmed himself back into his dreams.

I figured the breakdown was the reality of losing Usnavi finally setting in and the stress of the funeral planning, belongings sorting, and me asking about his writing. I felt guilty for trying to put myself into such a big part of his life so quickly and out of nowhere, but I knew we could get through this. He needed time, and that's okay.

I continued to entertain myself until I felt him shifting awake in my arms. He didn't seem to be upset this time, so I slowly let him wake up and didn't say anything right away once his eyes were open.

I'm sorry. He signed slowly, eyes still a little red and tired. I shook my head and gave him a small kiss.

"It's alright, Alex. I know there's a lot going on right now." I told him. He nodded and sat up a little bit, moving his head from its place in my lap. He propped himself up against the headboard so that he was sitting up and turned a little to face me.

My signs are probably gonna be all over the place because I just woke up. But I think... I think I should let you read some of my writing. I need to just rip off the Band-Aid and let go of the secrecy of my writing. You deserve to be a part of it. You deserve to be able to see the inside of my mind. So I'm going to let you read it. However much you want. He signed.

"I don't want to rush you into anything. I know it's a really big part of who you are and it's always been a secret. Are you sure it's okay?" I asked, not wanting to move too fast and make him nervous or uncomfortable. He nodded.

I'm ready.

And with that, he suddenly leapt out of bed and began to rummage through his suitcase. I watched him from my spot on the bed, craning my neck a bit to see him tossing clothes onto the ground as he collected a stack of papers in his hand. He grabbed a notebook and a pen and set everything on the bed before haphazardly shoving his clothes back in the bag and rejoining me.

Go ahead. This is all just from this trip. There's more in this notebook from probably the last year or so, and some blank pages because it might be easier for me to write to explain some things. He signed, all nervousness gone from his face. I think he was convincing himself, telling himself he had to just be ready for this. I think he was trying to make himself excited rather than scared to show me this part of his life.

"Where do you want me to start?" I asked.

a/n: short chapter bc i want john reading alex's writing to be from alex's pov. sorry for the wait for a short and bad chapter, things are just pretty rough right now. hopefully next update will be soon, long and good.