Hey Im Kalicky. And Hey I'm back! I am going to start this new rant book off with a sha bang. I have had so much anger built up inside me, that I have decided it is time to let it all out. I want you guys know that this is my opinion and feelings, I am trusting you guys not to send hate or hate me. I hope you can relate with me and rant with me as well. So with out further ado, lets get this rant on the road.
So I know that this is a little bit of old news from when I am writing this. Last year, December 28 2014, an event occurred that for sure opened the eyes of everyone. Leelah Alcorn. If you guys don't know who she is, she is a trans that only desired happiness and for her confusion to be cleared. Her parents didn't accept her for being who she was. They wanted her to be a Christian strait boy. And it is saddening that the parents had a set future for her, that she wasn't able to make her own choices. She did indeed commit suicide for that, her parents not accepting her as a girl, only as a boy. I did cry because of the parents one minded mind. What really pissed me off is that on Facebook, they made a post referring to Leelah as a boy, he, his, son. HAVE FUCKING RESPECT!
It is so sad that she came down to the choice of killing herself to get the point across her parents. Before she killed herself she made a Tumblr post before she died. It was later taken down by the request of her parents. I am going to put a picture drawing of Leelah as a media and now I am going to put her note that did make me cry.
*If you don't want to read it, scroll until you don't see italics*
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Leelah Alcorn. <3
If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.
Please don't be sad, it's for the better. The life I would've lived isn't worth living in... because I'm transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy's body, and I've felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally 'boyish' things to try to fit in.
When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn't make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don't tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don't ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won't do anything but make them hate them self. That's exactly what it did to me.
My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more Christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.
When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didn't receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.
I formed a sort of a 'fuck you' attitude towards my parents and came out as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out as trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends was positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to be their perfect little straight christian boy, and that's obviously not what I wanted.
So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the most depressed, and I'm surprised I didn't kill myself. I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parent's disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.
At the end of the school year, my parents finally came around and gave me my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I finally had my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to me, but only at first. Eventually they realized they didn't actually give a shit about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only friends I thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a week.
After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like shit because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided I've had enough. I'm never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. I'm never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. I'm never going to have enough friends to satisfy me. I'm never going to have enough love to satisfy me. I'm never going to find a man who loves me. I'm never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There's no winning. There's no way out. I'm sad enough already, I don't need my life to get any worse. People say 'it gets better' but that isn't true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.
That's the gist of it, that's why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that's not a good enough reason for you, it's good enough for me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights movements and support groups, I don't give a shit which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren't treated the way I was, they're treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say 'that's fucked up' and fix it. Fix society. Please.
Goodbye,
(Leelah) Josh Alcorn-
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I hope that you guys do understand where I am coming from. We are all human, our race, gender, and sex, shouldn't make us any different. And even if we change the way we feel about the opposite sex, we will still be the exact same person that we were 1 year ago, 2 days ago, 1 hour ago. And if you are feeling that way, don't think that "God made you this gender, so you can't change. He made you this for a reason." That is complete shit.You are the same human on the inside. It is the outside that you have changed. I support trans, gay, and lesbians because they are strong. Know that you are NEVER different.
I just found out that on January 6th they encouraged us to draw a pink ring on our finger to support transgenders. I am going to draw a pink ring on my finger tomorrow, January 13th. Even though it is past the 6th, I will support them no matter what. I encourage you guys to do it too.
I want you guys to support one another and know that we are the same. We all feel, love, and think the same. <3
-Kal
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