Sam Glaspy's Poetry

9/11/2020- s t a t i c

A/N- this is mainly just a sad rant. You can skip this one. It may be triggering, just because it's depressing. Be careful. Skip this one if you think it will do something to you. It won't hurt my feelings, I promise. Stay safe.
TW- depiction of severe depression

I'm talking to my friends, but I feel nothing.
Why do I have to be empty?

I'm in theatre class, trying to become someone else. I can't feel any emotions except someone else's.
Why do I have to be empty?

Someone deadnames me. I only feel hatred towards myself.
If I'm not empty, I'm hating myself.

I'm on the phone with Dragon, Mae, and Green Eyes as I write this.
I'm contributing nothing to the conversation.
Why can't I do anything right?
Why can't I just feel things other than

               Too much
      Or
                         s t a t i c?

I don't want to die, but I just want to sleep until things get better.
Until they can fix me.
I can't seem to get a good night of sleep anyway.

I'm scared to get better, though.
Who am I without my own misery?
I'm so sad that I can't even cry.
Maybe not sad.
Just static.
A quiet buzz in the back of my mind is all there is.
The rest is all red.
It's all anxiety and hatred.

I'm so tired all the time.
God, we all know you're not there anymore,
But just make me either not exist or feel something like a normal person.
If not, strike me down.
I'll see you in hell.

I need cuddles, but almost everyone's touch leaves an invisible film on my skin that doesn't go away for a long time.
It hurts me physically and I can't take it anymore.

Maybe I'll become a hermit,
Only existing in public at night for gas stations and coffee.
Anything other than being a lonely teen living with their parents.

Every time someone says my old name, a pain shoots through me.
That's not me.
I'm Sammy.
They don't mean it, I know, and it's new for them,
But it's mainly my brain torturing me.

Maybe I should go to sleep.
Maybe I should figure myself out.
But both involve being alone with my brain,
And that's the scariest thing I can think of.