Sam Glaspy's Poetry

9/12/2020- The Psych Ward

A/N- This happened last year. I'm fine now. Don't worry about me.
TW- suicidal thoughts, description of my time in a psych ward.

When my dad came home after practically leaving us for his job and drinking,
I had the worst panic attack in my life and wanted to die.
For the first time in a long time,
I didn't want to live anymore.
The next day, my mom scheduled all these emergency psychiatric appointments.
They said it would be best if they took me to a hospital psych ward.

They put me in the kid's unit because the teen unit was full.
They treated me like an animal,
Taking my hoodie, which I have to wear because of my anxiety,
Only letting us watch TV for an hour before bedtime and the rest of the day reading picture books,
And not even letting us close the doors or keep soap in our bathrooms because we were considered insane.

My friend and I were supposed to be volunteering that day.
She tried to come in to see me,
But they said anyone from outside might be a bad influence.
She's my closest friend, and I don't even think I've told her what happened while I was "sick."

I was forced into drug tests and had to fill out a questionnaire every morning about what I could have done to not end up there.
I don't know,
Maybe have a different dad?

Mom always told me it was for medication monitoring.
I knew she was lying,
But right to my face?
And then, when we went to occupational therapy for my autism,
She said it was because I was a danger to myself to the therapist.
I understand that,
But lying to me and then telling a stranger the truth right in front of me?
That hurts.

The system is was messed up.

But it was the people there that kept me from hurting myself.

There was one kid,
Maybe eight,
Who's foster parents couldn't pick him up so he had to stay in the ward with me.
Every time we ate a meal,
He would cut his jello into noodles with his spoon and slurp them out of the cup,
Because he knew it made me laugh.
The nurses would get onto him, but behind their backs we would fistbump and laugh about our own stupidity.

There was a nurse there who would take out his phone and play Fall Out Boy and Paramore and we would talk about music together.

I met my best friend, Roki, there.
The last day of my stay we started talking and laughing,
And I figured out I had seen him at school.
He's a year younger than me, and he got crammed into the kid's unit too.
He gave me his phone number so I could talk to him if I wanted to.
He's so supportive and funny.
I'll never forget having to leave him alone there.

I'll always thank the people there for making me smile in such a hard time,
But I'll never forgive whatever made the ward that way for traumatizing me.

If you're a danger to yourself, go if you think it will help you,
But for me, the mix of events and feeling abandoned by my mom messed me up.