When You Left

23

11. 16. 13.

        I have been thinking a lot about the letter I wrote to you that claimed that I knew why you left. But, yesterday I was at the store and I was reading the labels of the different kinds of ramen. And I suddenly remembered one of the many times when we had no money to eat or pay bills with, but we needed food to tide us over for the next week.

So, you grabbed a cart, bought thirty cups of ramen, and we went home. I demanded that you work on your novel in your room and you immediately obliged because I was giving you “The Look” that always terrified you. While you were in there, I set up the table with candles and silverware –not just the plastic ones we were using- and I brought out your grandma’s good china. And I made that cheap ramen and put it in that fancy china and called you to eat.

You walked out and looked at my make-shift fancy table and you laughed. Like, really laughed. Chest booming, head thrown back, eyes welling up laughter. And you walked over to me, ignoring the steaming noodles all together, grabbed me by the hips, and lifted me onto the countertop.

Then your soulful eyes met my deep ones and they were so filled with love and warmth and you still had chuckles falling from your lips. And you brought those petal-soft lips to mine and kissed me with such ferocity that it knocked me back. We forgot about the ramen altogether.

Anyway, that was off topic.

So, I was standing their recalling that dinner and I suddenly came up with a few arguments of why you shouldn’t have left and should have given me another chance.

1.   We always argued because you said I never paid attention to what you had to say.

That’s not completely true.

While you were talking so passionately about movies or plays, I traced your lips with my mind. The slow way in that you spoke; your lips curling over each word, as if to taste them before setting them free. I was taking notes on the way your eye color would change with different emotions; a pale green when you spoke of your family, a dark emerald when you talked about Greece, and a sandy hue when you would laugh at one of my cheesy jokes. I was memorizing the way your hands would dance with each word out of your mouth; giving visuals to your tales like you were playing charades.

I always paid attention to you, just not in the way you thought I had. I had never, in my life, sketched someone’s eyes or lips quite as vivid as I did yours.

Only you. Always you.

2.   I might not have been able to give you my whole heart, but I gave you everything I had in me.

When we met I was so far past rock bottom; I was in the fiery pits of hell sipping tea with Satan. And you saw me there first hand and you dragged me through the River Styx as if I was Eurydice, past rock bottom, and just to the ground above. It might not have been enough for you, but for me that was all I could ask for.

So, I tried to give you as much as I could, and I did. I loved you every second of every day. You are always on my mind, constantly, and I always made sure you knew how much you meant to me.

So, even if you didn’t save me completely, you did save me from consuming myself into the black hole of my heart.

But at some point, my dear Orpheus, you looked back, and that was the end for us.

3.   I never asked you to stay with me. When you first started to write your novel in our second year of dating, you wanted to move back to Greece –where it was set and where you went to high school and college. But, you didn’t because of me.

But, I never asked you to stay, not once. Of course, I didn’t want you to go because it would rip my patched up heart to shreds. But, I never told you that. In fact I encouraged –no, begged- you to go.

You told me you couldn’t and wouldn’t leave me. That you needed to be with me at all times.

And yet, every time we fought after that, you would tell me that I held you back. You blamed me for keeping you from your dreams. And every time, my heart would crack a little more.

So yes, I am a mess and I always have been. We had our issues. But, even though you realized that you couldn’t fix me right away, we still could have tried.

I would have paid attention to your words more, I would have tried harder to be happy, I would have moved to Greece.

As long as you were with me, I would’ve done anything.

I still would,

Daisy