When You Left

30

12. 11. 13

        I saw a man who looked just like you today. My heart thundered and my palms began to sweat because I thought it was you. When I realized it wasn’t, it hurt. A lot more than I thought it would. But, this man was pushing a stroller and it reminded me of another reason we fought.

        I didn’t want children and you did.

        I told you from the very beginning that I would never want children. That I couldn’t handle the pressure of motherhood, of constantly watching over and worrying about a child. Because, I knew that if something were to happen, it would break me. And I am too unstable for that.

        I thought you understood that, you had always agreed with me. But, one day we saw a woman chasing her little girl around, and you turned to me with the goofiest smile on your face.

        “Just imagine what our kid is going to be like.”

        That’s what you said. I didn’t know what to do at the time, because surely you were joking. But, then you kept rattling off about how they would be stubborn like me, but look like you. So, I turned to you and reminded you of my forever closed womb. You looked dumb-founded.

        “You’re not serious.”

        “I’ve told you this before. You know I don’t want kids.”

        “I didn’t think you were serious. How could you not want to have children with me?”

        You were getting offended and your hands started twitching like they always did when you were upset. I was taken aback because I always thought we were on the same page.

        “It’s not just you, Parker. I don’t want to have kids. Period.” I asserted, and you jumped up from the park bench and flailed your hands in the air.

        “I want kids, Daisy. What about me? Did you ever think how I felt?”

        By that point I was becoming furious. I had asked you from the beginning of our relationship, I had given you that out. Granted, I always saw how you looked at children and how you spoke to your four year old niece like she was an angel. But, you had never mentioned a desire for children before.

        “It doesn’t really matter because you aren’t the one that would have to carry it around for nine months.”

        I immediately regretted saying it, because that set you off. In front of a park full of adults and children, we were having a dramatic argument.

        That’s the thing about you, Parker. You are so passionate about things that you will never back down, you will always state your opinion. And I remember how hurt I was by that fight, because you made it seem like I was a bad person for not wanting to have little ‘you’s running around.

        And that wasn’t it at all, Parker. The thought alone makes me smile like an idiot. That we could create something so beautiful and pure, a mixture of our two-selves. I had imagined what they would be like many times.

        But, parenthood always terrified me.

        I never admitted this to you, but I know that I could never be a good mother. I always thought that I would turn into my mother if I were to have a child. And I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. I would not want to taint that beautiful and innocent soul.

        With the pressure of being a parent, my need to control everything, my constant lack of patience, and my constant worrying, I knew that if I had a child it would break the child and me. Some people just aren’t cut-out for parenthood and I am one of those people.

        That day we screamed at each other until our lungs burned and our cheeks flamed. You stormed off and didn’t come back home until around midnight. The stench of whiskey oozed from your pores and you were on the verge of tears.

        “I’m sorry, Daisy. I knew how you felt about children, but I thought that you would change your mind with time. I will make you change your mind, you have to. I want to be with you in the most intimate way possible. I want to create life with you. And leave our mark in the world as one.”

        And you kissed me roughly, tearing off my blouse, and tossing me onto the bed. And I chose to swallow the argument in my throat. But, it burned on the way down.

        I always knew that you couldn’t change my mind. But, it didn’t stop you from trying.

I’ve missed my last two periods,

Daisy