One of Those Nights

Nostalgia

It's kicking in again
This feeling
I can't describe it
Like the space between the lines in a book
When im not busy thinking about what the words mean
So my mind spreads to the rest of the page
And i look at what I've written thus far

I open to chapter 18
It's where i currently dwell
"The content" i think to myself
"It's just like any other book"
I hate it
...
Whatever who cares
I don't care
I'm still at chapter 18
No expectations required
Someone, someday, will read my book
They will love it
And will be fascinated by my work
For now
The hope will keep me sane
I am sane

In the midnight blur
I can't see the page anymore
Curiosity gets the best of me
So i skim through the writings
But there's a problem
I can't tell where it all ends
The pages
So... finite
So empty
So meaningless
It's scaring me

Im wasting so much ink
On this worthless autobiography
That i begin to realize
All these distorted works of fiction
I was lying to myself
They aren't real
No one's impressed by this
No one's impressed by me
What happens next will be the same
Just bland lines
Resorting to meaning
Failing to find any

Reality has no meaning
Life isn't a fairy tale
And while i haven't noticed
I've written the same ideas a million times
"No one's interested enough to read this" i tell myself
It's the truth
Disappointing
Yet so resonant
I will never find a reader
To love my ideas
To stick around
Till the end of my story

I turn to chapter 1
I still cant make out what i see
But i can feel how few the words are
How discombobulated the ideas were
How... seemingly innocent
Life was so much simpler back then
I remember now
The memories
The laughter
The youth
... Nostalgia
So bitter sweet

I embrace my book and i cry
I cry a lot
I cry till i feel numb
And then i hold my pen
I look at it
I will appreciate it i tell myself
I will appreciate how it has written for me
And what it has written down
In the pages of these forsaken years
I look at the residue
I will treasure it until my last words

Time is excruciating
And so is the sadness in its realization
However
It's one of those nights
So i cherish it
Like a warm hug
And allow it to travel through me
It's okay to be sad
It's okay to cry

Besides
It's my fault
I know it is
I was never meant to look ahead
My mind is too weak
Too vulnerable
Too small for these cosmos
And these questions are too overwhelming
Ethereality is too overwhelming
And i accept that

For now
In this exact moment
At this very hour
I am present
Not dwelling on the first few pages
Not thinking of the very few last
I am at chapter 18
I remind myself to concentrate solely on the words
For the fifth time this month
It's the human in me that keeps coming back
But still
I laugh at how stubborn and curious i am
I close the book
Then my eyes follow
Knowing for a fact that the day after
Will feel like a hangover from a fever dream
And I'll probably do the same thing again tomorrow
But this time
I'm not complaining