One of Those Nights

Existentialism

It's one of those nights
Im sitting with my thoughts
In the dim of the dark
Prominence as clear as day
As im drowning in my playlist
They take me to a void
At the brink of existential dread
A room full of questions
That reek of uncertainty
It scares me
But I tell myself to stop
Stop thinking
Stop trying to make them make sense
And just for a moment
It's working
Silence so deafening
So calming
So beautiful

...
Was it all worth it?
Just... you know... being
Living to exist
I can never tell
I know i can never tell
But it still hurts
Thinking you're a burden
Existing solely to feed on others
Pain so resoundingly sharp
Knowing quite frankly
That when you die
Life goes on without you
And oblivion is inevitable

I remember
I felt special being broken
Convinced myself that i was different
That my purpose was being different
I guess i wanted you to feel sorry for me
But you laughed at how normal i was
Even with all of myself out there
And it aggravated me
How unexceptional i turned out to be

Yes, I remember
How blind i was
Looking at you through those unfazed eyes thinking
What could've they possibly seen
To be so unbothered by me
And realizing then and there
That they would've dilated
Unless they knew how it felt
How it felt to serve my purpose too
I guess at some point
You knew how it felt like to be broken

Maybe we all did
Maybe all of us wanted to feel special
Like an innate yearn for distinction
That ironically made us normal
We had to learn through hurting each other
And losing ourselves in the process
That maybe our purpose is being normal
And maybe our purpose is just... being
There is no pressure in finding purpose
In the end
Living is existing
And if it's true
If life does go on without me
Then for now
I'll be here
Under the stars
Thankful that i got to experience it