Secrets & Lies

30| Missing You

"Fuck. It smells like something died in here." 

I waved my hand in front of my face, trying to spare my poor nose from the stench of the rotten food in my fridge. I really should have thrown this stuff out before I ran away to the cabin. Apparently, there were a lot of things I should have done before I went, while I was at, and after I left the fucking cabin. Oh, well. I didn't have the mental strength to deal with that right now. Right now...I was going to clean out my fridge. That I could handle. 

I left the door open while I knelt down in front of my kitchen sink to get trash bags and some cleaning supplies. I got here last last night and didn't do much besides crawl into bed. Well, I did text Amelia and Wyatt to let them know I was back. Wyatt tried calling me multiple times, but I sent another text letting him know I would talk to him today. I also promised to call my mother. Now that I was back, I didn't have a choice. I knew Wyatt would find out if I didn't and he would show up here. 

My knees creaked as I straightened and walked back over to the fridge. I sat the cleaning supplies on the counter and opened a trash bag. "Okay. Where to begin?" I grabbed the old take-out containers from the middle shelf, not even daring to look inside. I've been gone for almost two weeks. I would be surprised if there was anything left in here that was edible at all. 

What was Grant doing? Fuck. No, Logan. You kind of burned that bridge, remember? Pretty sure it's ashes by now. I was still pissed that he made that call to Amelia without talking to me, but what I said and how I acted was no better. I wanted to go to him and apologize. But I had no idea where he was staying. I didn't know if he was still with Vanessa—and if he was, where the hell did she live? I didn't want to call him. He deserved to get the apology in person. 

What if he didn't even want to talk to me? I was pretty clear when I said it was over. I even said that neither one of us would reach out to the other. What a mess—and I'm not talking about the fridge. The fridge was actually looking better. I filled up two trash bags and set them outside my front door. I got some paper towels and some Clorox spray and cleaned the inside. After wiping it down, I threw the dirty paper towels away and grabbed my house keys. 

I locked my apartment, grabbed the now full trash bags, and walked down the hallway to the dumpster that was at the end of my street. One benefit of living on the first floor was no stairs. On my way back, I couldn't help but think about what I was going to say to my mom. After I basically 'came out' to myself, I've felt differently. I've felt a wide range of emotions, actually. Scared. Sick. Scared, again. Mostly, it felt right. Once I said the words and accepted it, everything seemed...right. Of course, there was the little fact that I had been living a lie most of my life. 

That's the part that messed me up now. The first few hours before I got out of bed this morning were spent with me trying not to think about how different things would have been if I had accepted this sooner. There were a few times in high school that I found myself questioning my sexuality. I would see another a guy that I thought was attractive. But I was young then. I was even more terrified of being different than I was now. Being different in high school wasn't always a good thing.

But how different would my life have been? Would things between Grant and I have been different from the beginning? I thought back to the first time we kissed on my birthday in that club. I know he was the one who took off, but maybe if I had been different—if I knew who I was—I would have chased after him. Maybe we would have been together all this time. Christ, I don't know. 

Even if that were true, then that meant everything that's happened since would be different. All the good stuff that happened at the cabin, well...wouldn't have happened. Not in the same way. Great. Now I was even more frustrated than before. I pulled my keys out of my pocket and went back inside my apartment. I went to my now clean fridge and reached for a beer.