FIRE | H.S.

Chapter 6

   These past two weeks have been amazing and shitty at the same time.

   Amazing because Evan and I have been going dates frequently. We went to the movie theatre, for breakfast, walks in the park, museums, bookstores. It's been great. I have lots of fun when I'm with him.

   Shitty because... the nightmares haven't stopped. Every single night for the past two weeks I've woken up drenched in sweat, trembling, and consumed by fear. I wait in the darkness for his robust figure to appear out of nowhere and for the bone-chilling feeling his touch causes me. I wait in the darkness, trying to catch my breath and stop the tears running down my face.

   I refuse to go back to my therapist to talk about the nightmares. I always end up crying and never feel like much was accomplished. Instead, I talk to Aurora and Charles. They know about my nightmares, just not what they are mostly about. They think they're all about my step-father hitting me... and that's how I plan on keeping it. They don't need to know anything else. They probably would stop talking to me if they knew the truth about my past.

   I always try to keep a positive attitude, though. Over the years I've known Charles, I've learned to love myself, even a little bit. To be positive in order to welcome positivity in my life. That's all I want. Maybe one day these demons will stop chasing me.

   I've been picking up Leilani from school the past three days and I can honestly say she's brought more happiness into my life. Harry has been getting off of work late and he asked for this favor. He always tells me he's sorry for any inconvenience and I can hear the embarrassment in his voice, but I keep telling him I don't mind one bit. Leilani makes me laugh and keeps the bad thoughts away with all the stories she tells me. She always has a new anecdote from school.

   One time she told me there was a cockroach on the wall in her classroom and the teacher didn't want to kill it herself, so this one little boy got up and squished it with his palm. She said, "We all heard the crunch, it was gross."

   Leilani makes sure she finishes her homework while she's with me because she wants her dad to rest when he gets home and doesn't want him to worry about her school work when he's tired. I can see how mature she is, even if she's only four. She cares about her dad resting and not having more work at home. She doesn't want to add more stress. Leilani kind of reminds me of myself when I was her age.

   My mother was not the most responsible and motherly person on earth, so I had to learn to take care of myself and had to grow up before my time. I learned to cook at Leilani's age, had to give my mother medicine when she got a cold, had to tend to her wounds when he would hit her... had to tend to my own wounds. I had to walk to school alone, fix the holes in my uniform. I had to become an adult.

   Although Leilani doesn't have to do any of that, she still cares about things like her dad getting enough rest. I've never met a four-year-old who even thinks about that. I can tell Harry does everything he can so that she can have a normal life. A life where she enjoys being a kid.

   This morning, before I left for work, I saw Harry and Leilani outside. Leilani ran to me and hugged me, something she's started doing, and Harry walked towards us, smiling. He said he wanted to thank me for picking up Leilani these past days and he wanted to pay me back somehow. I insisted it wasn't necessary, that I did it because I wanted to. Harry asked if I would like to join them for dinner at their house tonight. He said he would cook something for me as a way to thank me. Leilani was jumping up and down saying "please say yes, please, please!". I couldn't refuse. How can you say no to a dimpled smile and an adorable little girl?

   I take a deep breath and ring the doorbell. As I wait, I hear Leilani exclaim, "It's Ava, daddy! She's here! She's here!" I chuckle at her excitement. "Can I open the door, daddy!?"