Randomness Book 4

rant

i realize when i end a relationship or say i don't like you back to someone, i tend to push them away. i don't know why. i feel terrible when i do. they still wanna be friends, but i don't know how. i say it won't effect us, but it does.

there was someone. i didn't like them back. and i pushed them away. it's like i wanted to punish myself even though i knew it wasn't my fault.

there was another. i didn't like them back. i pushed them away. i ignored their messages.

it doesn't make sense, does it? to love someone as a friend so much but push them away because of a non-mutual feeling?

it's only happened with these two.

but they also did something wrong.

the first was just... overwhelming me. i told them to back off, but they latched on and pushed it. we're not friends anymore. and i'm somewhat happy with that. crossing boundaries is something i try to keep myself from doing. so when other people do it, it just... sets me off. especially if they knew it was wrong but did it anyway.

the second was close after. i love them so much still, as a friend. but these days i find it hard to even talk to them. they're such a good person. i just feel so busy and unmotivated even though i can talk to other people just fine. and i know they're going through a hard time and i just added to it. but it's like they're dependent on me.

that's one thing that scares me. i don't want someone to be dependent on me. i don't wanna be the one at fault. i sound so selfish, and i am.

i also don't wanna be dependent on someone else. been there, don't that. it's never worked. it never will. i cant trust myself to let it go again. i hate clinginess. i hate people being too dependent on other people. it's just overwhelming and i can't take it. i get stressed so easily nowadays and that second person is really pushing it. i say im busy yet they send me a message. respect boundaries.

i don't wanna talk to someone everyday fucking day. i cant be consistent. i cant be there all the time. sometimes i need a day off. if you text me and i say to please leave me alone, politely, and you don't respect it, i get pissed off.

the first person did that. and i can't even stand the thought of them without getting mad. honestly, i hope they're reading this.

you really pissed me off and i don't wanna be friends. i just never wanted to say it to your face or even message you because i knew i'd get angry. i hope you got the hint when i cleared everything. what you did was fucked and you know that. respect boundaries.

oh also, you didn't listen to me. i was trying to help you. i was trying to help us. you proved my fucking point when you started talking to her. sorry i couldn't help you anymore.

so yeah. there's my rant for the day. god, see? this is even pissing me off. just thinking about what they did. i cant even go into that town where they live without getting mad.

but back to the point: pushing people away. i cant stand clinginess. i'm not a texting person. i cant be consistent with talking. learn that. and don't push me to talk. if i wanna talk, i'll talk.

none of this is directed toward my readers, obviously. and alex or L who may be reading this. i love you guys. a good relationship doesn't mean you have to talk everyday. it's just the amount of effort you do put into talking whether it's every month or every other day. it's not forcing a conversation. if the convo cant continue, don't force it. it's annoying. to me, at least.

talk later then. bye.