Randomness Book 4

sad rant

i don't know how to feel anymore. one day, i'm so happy. the next, i feel so... sad, that i can barely get out of bed. i've been so tired these days. i've been so tired that i can't even cry. i feel so weak.

i think i had a breakthrough last night though. i played a song that reminds me of someone i miss. and then i thought about those good memories until i started crying. and then i couldn't stop. i didn't stop crying for 20 minutes until i finally stopped, but as soon as i blew my nose and cleaned my face, i just started crying again. it felt good, but also bad. only bad because it made my stomach sore from breathing so erratically, my eyes puffy, and gave me a killer headache this morning.

i'm a sad person. i try not to be, but i am. and for the past, what? six months? i have had a hard time getting through everything. it's been so difficult for me and i struggle to get through it.

so last night felt great. i haven't been able to cry so hard like that in a long time. i am really sad, and it was so hard to keep it in. the one time i did cry was because a family dog died. and it took a week for me to finally let it out, but i still held it back because my nephew was in my bed with me and he was sleeping. that night sucked. honestly, i still feel like crying. i feel so sensitive right now. every time i build up a lot of shit, and i have a slip up of crying, i get sensitive for the next week.

today i cried twice. they were both because of a book ive been reading. the first was this morning, but it wasn't very hard. the second was maybe an hour ago when i reached the end. the book is one of the saddest books i've ever read, but it was also one of the best.

so it also felt good crying over that. that book was so heart warming yet heart breaking at the same time. i don't think i'll ever read another book like that one again. i loved it so much.

but the thing is, i still feel like crying. i've had too much stress and frustration and sadness build up. i need to let it out. last night was only the beginning. i know i'm going to end up crying either tonight or tomorrow. but i really truly hope someone will give me a hug. because i really really need it. i've held onto this pain for so long and no one's ever bothered to ask why. i need someone to hold me. i need it.

i'm literally begging from the bottom of my heart. please just hug me and hold me. please let me cry on your shoulder. please tell me it's going to be okay. i already know it will be, but i need someone to give me the motivation and to say those words to me.

please.