I'm in a really good place. I'm smiling again and can enjoy my usual hobbies. I'm still bummed about some things, but overall my mental state is much better than what it was this time last year. But, for some reason, I keep looking back.
I never fully moved on from you, you know. I never forgot your favorite movie is The Nightmare Before Christmas, or that your medicine is $8k for a case, or that you're mild to moderate so you don't have to take it every day, only if you get hurt. I'll never forget how you have freckles on your face and lips, how you don't tan but burn. How you were strong, physically and mentally, during all those hardships. I'll never forget your smile being so wonderful and heartwarming, even though you absolutely hated it because of one little fault in your tooth, which was adorable by the way. I'll never forget how when you walk, you bounce, but because one leg is slightly longer than the other, or how when you'd get mad that bounce would intensify and your hair would bounce with you. I'll never forget how you'd get so concentrated on your game you wouldn't hear me when I talked to you, so I'd just admire you, and when you noticed me staring at you, you'd ask me "what?" And I always said "nothing". It wasn't nothing; I was admiring you, I was learning about you, I was thinking, "how am I so lucky?" I'll never forget that green and purple were one of your favorite color schemes, because you are a huge fan to The Joker from the DC series, but not because you thought he was cool, but because you relate to him. I'll never forget how you enjoyed anime, as long as they were action or comedy, but you also really enjoyed romance even though you'd never admit it. Or how you love cartoons and could sit there and watch them daily. I'll never forget the days you called me because your family was really pissing you off and you just wanted to hear my voice. I'll never forget how hard you fought against your dad, and how relieved you were when you finally escaped that hell-hole. I'll never forget the sound of your laugh and how it rang in my ears like church bells on a bright, clear Sunday morning. I'll never forget how when you'd look at me, I'd get butterflies, even after all those years. I'll never forget the first time you kissed me, shortly after my birthday. How it made me feel, and how quickly my heart was racing. I'll never forget the feeling of when you fell asleep in my arms that first time watching YouTube, when I was massaging your shoulders. How the dog scratched on the bedroom door to get in, but I remained silent and still as to not wake you, how my grandmother opened the door and I silently shushed her as I clicked the next video. I'll never forget how your eyes shimmered when you talked about your passions, or how they burned with intent when you got mad. I'll never forget how they glistened a beautiful green color, but in the right light on the right day they'd be a wonderful sky blue. I'll never forget when you asked me out on May 25, 5:22pm, shortly after we got out of school. I'll never forget how when I told my best friend at the time, we fangirled over the phone as I screamed with glee. I'll never forget your love for spicy foods, or how you love lemons and limes. I'll never forget how you enjoyed the little gifts I would get you, even when you told me not to get them. How you would smile, especially when I got you the Panda hoodie, both the first and second time.
The thing is, I still love you. I wasn't lying when I said you'll always have my heart. But, I also remember how you told me constantly, you could do better than me, but you chose me. I'll never forget how sometimes when you looked at me, I saw disgust and anger behind your eyes. I'll never forget the lies and deceits. I'll never forget how you turned me against my family, or how when I needed you the most, you sat at a tree while I screamed and cried to the Heavens. I'll never forget how you didn't hit me, but you buried my confidence behind fears. How you made me feel less than the dirt you walked on. How you turned every argument or discussion against me, even if I brought up the issue, you'd make it about me. I'll never forget how you rushed me out of the hospital every time because you didn't want to come in, but also didn't want to sit in the car, knowing it could be a while. I'll never forget the posts you made that I wasn't supposed to see, about how depressed and unhappy you were. I'll never forget how you made me fear you leaving every day of every week, by constantly bringing it up. I'll never forget how you isolated and alienated me from my friends. I'll never forget how you listened to rumors and a compulsive liar over me, and took out that anger on me. How you didn't believe my side of the story, when I told you it didn't happen the way he said, how he and I agreed we wouldn't talk about it yet he does exactly that, and gets me slut-shamed; I became the topic of the school for weeks until I finally just left. I'll never forget how you didn't support me in my life goals, telling me I wasn't good enough at this or that to do what I wanted. I'll never forget the day you said, and I quote (because it's drilled into my mind), "I can't show someone affection if I don't find them attractive," and I should've known then. I'll never forget how you wouldn't even hold my hand in public, and how it made me feel like I was an embarrassment to you, how I felt like you didn't want to be seen with me, which is why half the time you wouldn't go in the store with me. I'll never forget how every time I brought up marriage, and saying that I don't want to be married yet but eventually, how every time you'd tense up and either change the subject or say "I don't know about that,". I'll never forget how you made me hide my body behind big jackets and long pants around others, even though I can't help it I'm thicker and things are a bit more obvious, that I have big boobs and a tucked yet thick tummy, that my thighs touch and rip jeans from the friction. I'll never forget how you'd turn me away or put a pillow over my face during intimate moments and how it made me feel like you didn't want to look at me, that you were only doing it to pleasure yourself or to get me to shut up. I'll never forget how ugly you made me feel daily, how I fell to the bottom of the bottom. I'll never forget how you never exactly told me to stop talking to everyone, but every time I did talk to someone else you'd be quiet and seclude yourself, even when I'd try to bring you into the conversation, then it'd be a problem of how "I gave them more attention than you" and "made you feel like the third wheel". I'll never forget fearing my choice of clothing, limited to clothes I've had for years, because I was worried you'd get mad at me and think I was "looking for attention". I'll never forget how every time you'd listen to my side of the story, you'd nitpick at it and turn it against me until I was crying and begging for us to just stop and go back inside. I'll never forget how you got mad at me for not being able to control my emotions properly, because I never learned how to because I was secluded as a child, even though I had a hormonal imbalance issue. I'll never forget how you never believed me when I said something was wrong with me physically or said I was in pain, you never said you didn't believe me, but your eyes and demeanor told me you didn't, or maybe you just didn't care. I'll never forget when my best friend told me what you had said to them: "I'd never date her," and he warned me about it, but I didn't listen. Most importantly, I'll never forget how when I was going through a grieving process, how instead of being there for me, you pushed me down and secluded me from people, other than you, but wouldn't let me talk about it because you "were busy", but really, I think you just weren't interested.
I'll always have a hole in my heart where you were at. I'm always going to feel like there's a piece missing. I'm always going to love you. But I can't be with you. I've found someone who made mistakes, but fixed them when it came down to it, and now he's everything I need. Even though there's a part of me that wants you, there's also a part of me that craves toxicity in people because I feel like I deserve it. Well guess what, I don't.
