LETTERS TO YOU • AN iWAOi FANFiC

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"october 15th, 2011- our second year

hey, iwa-chan... i know that i will probably never send you this letter, but i'm hoping to somehow sort out my feelings through writing. i've always liked guys, and i've been sure of that for most of my life.

so it's honestly not that hard to imagine what my feelings for you would be classified as...i really like you. i know you're straight and i know that our relationship will never venture beyond the friendship we've had since childhood, so i guess the only way for me to vent is to write this to you.

i over-analyze everything you do. when i told you i loved you. when you begrudgingly mumbled back that you did too. when we go out to the movies, to dinner, to cute little coffee shops so i can read or do homework, everything.

i'm very happy whenever we do, content with the time we spend together. but i'm also very bitter. bitter at the fact that we are doing all of these date-like things and i'm the only one who realizes and overthinks about it all the time.

bitter every time you get confessed to. happy every time you reject the poor girl. guilty at those thoughts. bitter because i know that your feelings for me are strictly platonic.

i know i'm very clingy and annoying. i am overzealous with my affection. i know. but i don't care. as long as i get to hug you and be with you then i'll be happy."

i mumbled the words aloud as i read them, my heart clenching painfully as i did so. that was...a love confession right? i carefully read it two more times before sliding it back into its envelope and taping it back to the lid.

i didn't know what to think. these were all to me? and he never sent them? well, i am straight, so i understand not doing so. maybe there was something i was missing. maybe one of them said he stopped liking me. i mean, he couldn't like me now, not from how much he helped with the wedding...

i grabbed the most recent one, thinking it could give me answers to the slight life crisis i was having. it was in a red envelope. the only red one. it had 'iwa' written on it like the others, but it was sloppily written and sealed with a golden wax seal.

i opened it carefully, tugging out an ivory-colored paper. it appeared he had switched to using his computer to type these out at some point (no surprise there, he got hand cramps from handwriting if he wrote for too long).

the date written on it was 'august 5th, 2020', the day after i told him i was engaged to ishi- no asaji. i got a sense of foreboding, but proceeded to read through the letter.

"august 5th, 2020

ahh...iwa-chan...hey?

yesterday i got the news from you that you were marrying asaji. the entire twenty minutes you were here, my brain was in meltdown mode. i was trying not to cry as you asked me to help plan the wedding, and i'm proud i managed to keep the stinging in my eyes to a minimum.

when you left, i had collapsed on the floor by the door and sat there for forty minutes watching the clock across the hall. i didn't sob, tears had just...streamed down my face. i hadn't even realized i was crying until i touched my cheeks and realized they were wet from tears.

i think...this is gonna be my last letter to you. i've been in love with you for years, so it doesn't take as much effort as it used to to mask my emotions. i don't even need to write these letters to deal with my feelings anymore, it just feels good to tell you things i couldn't in real life.

but now, it hurts more to write them. asaji may hate me (she said as much when she dropped you off once), but she does love you. and if you're happy with her, then i will plan the hell out of this wedding with her and give you the best life you can ask for. i still have selfish thoughts sometimes where i wanna tell you how much you mean to me, but that would just stress you out.