Spiralling Thoughts of an Average Teenage Girl

Chapter 1

I've never been much of a writer. I know. It seems weird that me, a mediocre highschooler with no experience writing, has been instructed to write down her thoughts and experiences. At first, I thought it was a terrible idea, I mean, writing seems good in theory, but let's be real, I won't last more than a week. I know it and my therapist knows it, but I think that I might as well give it a chance, giving that none of the other methods have worked. Maybe this will finally fix me, maybe this is the answer to all my issues, maybe this is what I need to process my feelings and accept that it's ok to feel. At least that's what I tell myself when writing this.

I don't know how to begin, I never do, I'm such an indecisive person it's not even funny. It's not as if I have a harsh time choosing things but in the end I pick what's best for me and realise that was the answer all along. Nope. I wish it were that easy, alas, if things were easy I wouldn't be writing this in the first place. 

I never knew why I have no sense of feeling, no happiness or sadness, it's like I do feel but don't know how that makes me feel. Believe me, it's as confusing to me as it must be to you. Let's put it this way, if life were the ocean, I'd say I'm surfing on a board that doesn't even work. That must be the worst metaphor that I could've come up with but you get a sense of what I mean.

So here I am, thinking about how fucked up my mind is that not even a woman who has a Masters Degree on how the human mind works, can come up with a better way to figure me out than by assigning me to write my life when my mom enters my room abruptly. I'm not kidding when I say I jump out of my skin and almost throw my computer to the floor.

Who would've guessed that writing down your thoughts felt so private? I feel attacked, and reconsider this whole writing down my deepest thoughts. After all, Claire, my therapist, said that I could just write down each event that happens to me during my day and explain how that makes me feel, but there's something poetic or even movie-like about writing it like a story and, as long as I feel like writing, I don't mind.

Going back to my very disrespectful mother, I look up to see her come in as if she didn't just scare me to death.

"Big day tomorrow Moonie" she says. As if I could forget that tomorrow I'll be going back to school. Though I must admit it still seems surreal. Senior year baby, just one more year of closed-minded grownups, stupid and superficial hormonal teens and never-ending days, and I'm free. Free. I can finally get the fuck out of this small town with their archaic traditions and 1970 mindset. Free as in I can finally go to Australia and study to become a professional dancer in The Australian Academy of Dance.

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to stay here, to stay close to my friends and not move half-way across the world. But the thought quickly goes away when I remind myself everything that is wrong with this place, how fucked-up people are, how judgemental and shallow. It is such a toxic environment to grow up in, but one can't hope much in Chester, Pennsylvania- dear old Chester. Even the name sounds boring, what kind of city is named Chester? I don't know, I just know I want to get out of here.

My mom keeps talking about all the preparations and how excited she is for me and what an amazing year I'm going to have. I completely shut her off, I never mean to, but to be honest, once I start day-dreaming it's hard to get me to focus. I can already picture myself leaving this place behind; living by the beach, doing an activity that I enjoy and making new acquaintances. In all honesty, thinking about meeting new people makes me feel anxious, not only because I've never had to face that but also because meeting new people will mean leaving my friends behind. And to be honest, leaving my group of friends that I've known since I was 4 makes me sadder than I expected. 

I shouldn't be sad though, this is a happy moment, I'm finally getting away, I'm going to get through this year as quickly as possible, I'm going to focus on my dancing, keep on reading my books and never look back. And I mean NEVER. I'm not going to get stuck here for the rest of my life, I'm going to do something with my life and enjoy and experience as many things as possible. And once I get my mind on something, nothing can stop me. Or at least that's what my friends and family tell me.