Spiralling Thoughts of an Average Teenage Girl

Chapter 5

I never particularly enjoyed math, I'm quite good at it but to be honest I would prefer to be doing something else. Although that pretty much happens to me with every other thing in my life, it's as if I don't mind doing it so I do it but I don't truly enjoy it. Almost as if I'm a robot and I've been set to follow certain instructions so I'm going through life in automatic. Calc classes are one of those situations where I feel like that, or at least it used to be one. 

Now, I'm hyper-aware of every move I make, I can't even pay attention to Mrs Rankov's lecture because my mind is on a completely different place. Or rather on a completely different person. Yep, the cute redhead sitting right next to me. I can't even process all of the information that is going through my mind right now, much less Rankov's class. 

At first, I can't help but wonder, what the fuck is wrong with me? How is it that one person I don't even know is having this effect in me, is it purely physical? Is it something else? Have I seen her before? How is it that I don't recognise her when she doesn't seem to be new at school? Could it be that I haven't noticed her before? But, how could I not? I mean LOOK AT HER. 

All these questions frighten me, I don't like feeling this way at all. I don't like the way she makes my heart beat faster or my breathing hitch. I need to leave. I need to leave right now. I think I might start panicking if I don't. I mean, WHY did this have to happen to me? I've gone through almost all highschool without being affected by someone, I will not start feeling this way now, I'm almost done. It's just one more year and I can finally get the hell out of here. 

Somehow all that thinking made the time go faster or something because next thing I know the bell is ringing and everyone is leaving. I'm still zoomed out, trying to calm myself down and forget any of that happened. Then I realise that despite me not wanting to have anything to do with that girl I should probably still apologize, I did hit her pretty badly. Unfortunately, by the time I start to leave I notice that she's gone. I didn't even catch her name and I've already traumatised her, fantastic!

I try to clear my mind and leave all of this behind with a breathing exercise that my mom taught me while I'm walking towards the cafeteria. Today is certainly not my day for I bump into someone and lose balance, almost falling, AGAIN. I feel a rush of relief when that person is Jaz because that means at least I didn't embarrass myself in front of another stranger. 

"Hey girl," I say "sorry I almost take your shoulder out of place, I don't know what's happening to me."

"No problem Moon, I know how you can get sometimes, it's cool." She tells me this in her usual manner but I notice that something's off with her. 

"Are you OK? How was your day so far?" I ask this in the most chill kind of way so that she doesn't feel pressured to answer. 

"Yeah, I'm fine. I guess it was kind of a weird day, but I'm cool, nothing wrong here" she points at her head and smiles at me. I still don't fully believe her, but I know how it's like when you don't wanna talk about how you're feeling, especially when it seems to be something serious. So instead I put my arm around her shoulders and start walking towards the cafeteria with her. 

We reach the cafeteria and it's as chaotic as always, in all honesty, I hate eating in the cafeteria. It's crowded and noisy and smelly and it just makes me feel anxious. But, we have a tradition of eating in the cafeteria once a week in an attempt to have the full-on high school experience and, let me tell you, it's not as magical as they make it seem in the movies. It's all gross and sticky and the food is not good AT ALL, and everyone is SO. FUCKING. LOUD. I have enough noise inside my head, I certainly do not need any extra help with that. 

Regardless of that, the moment I see Ian and Olivia sitting on a table in the corner all my worries rush away. It's incredible how certain people can make us feel safe and loved without even doing or saying something. I walk towards them and throw myself on top of Olivia screaming "I missed you so much!" she is surprised at first but then she puts her arms around me and says "I know Pumpkin! How much has it been? Five years? How dare you left me like to raise three kids by myself?"