I Don't Know Anymore

What have I become?

Who on earth genuinely enjoys going to parties? Personally, I attend them because I know there will be free alcohol flowing and endless lines of cocaine everywhere. Other than that, has beens or wannabes turn up to get spotted. Before Lindsey and I were invited to join Fleetwood Mac, instead of getting wasted, we would play at every club or bar we were asked to and we never complained. Nowadays, nobody wants to work for it anymore.

I‘m getting drunk, less of brandy is going into my mouth and more of it is spilling on the floor. A white line should get me back on track. There aren‘t many people left, but I don‘t feel like going home yet, what if one of those that are still here want to socialize with me? Yes, I should go use the bathroom...

That wonderful rush hits me and I rub my nose off any white and look up at myself in the mirror. My god... what have I become? Once a good Arizonan girl, obedient to her parents, singing with her grandfather all the country hits from years back, now a complete mess of a woman, who is addicted to cocaine, who drinks herself to sleep, after having mindless one night stand, while in a relationship, yet a member of the biggest rock band in the world. Is it worth it such huge sacrifice? Of course it is! I have always wanted to be a music superstar, well here‘s the price I gotta pay for it.

I‘m not sure how long I‘ve spent hating myself in that bathroom, but when I return to the party... there‘s only Mick left. "You‘re still here?“

"Why are you still here?“ I ask back.

"Can‘t be bothered to get up.“ He seems more like he can‘t get up, Mick‘s absolutely wasted.

"When did everyone leave?“ I sit down next to our drummer, who‘s half sitting, half lying on the couch, wtih his long skinny legs spread far apart.

"Don't know, half an hour maybe.“

"Gee, how long have I been in that bathroom!“

"What were you doing in there?“ I don‘t reply, but Mick doesn‘t actually need me to spell it out.

"I should call a cab or something.“ I stretch my muscles yawning.

"You can stay the night here, it‘s the band‘s house anyway." I'm not sure why we've kept this place, but we did. We have a small recording studio here and we've been trying to start working on something new. Mostly though, this house is used for parties. "Not that it‘s unusual for you to wake up in a strange one every other morning or mid-day or whatever.“

Yes, I‘ve accepted that I‘ve become the whore of this band, but oh well. Apparently, I‘m not good enough for anyone to be in a relationship with. I left Lindsey after a year in Fleetwood Mac, there‘s still love, but he‘s so incredibly jealous and I can‘t deal with that. Then I dated Don Henley from The Eagles. I really thought I was in love with him, he got me pregnant, told me he‘s not ready for the parenthood, I terminated the pregnancy in hope he‘d stay with me, he left a few days after. So, hooking up with another man every other night just for fun is much easier than having your heart broken again and again.

"Actually, I might do that, I‘m so out of it tonight...“ I lie my head on Mick‘s shoulder. "Why aren‘t you getting your ass home to your wife though?“

"Because she‘s annoying the hell out of me.“

"But she‘s your wife, shouldn‘t you be like... trying to figure out your differences?“

"I‘m good.“ His honest answer makes me laugh. "Just as well I could ask you, why don't your figure your shit out with Lindsey?"

"Because I don't know him anymore. He's a different man." I'm not about to discuss this. I turn my body towards Mick and cuddle up to his side, swinging my legs over his. "I think I want a drink.“

"I doubt you need it, darling.“ Mick pats my thigh with his hand and keeps it there. "Do you know, you‘re really tiny?“

"Fuck you, Mick.“

He laughs and looks down at me. "I didn‘t say it was a bad thing, kinda makes you cute.“

"The fact I‘m a dwarf makes me cute?“ I shift my legs a little and the split of my dress reveals way more skin that I should allow, given that I‘m with a married man right now.

"Well, not only that, but yeah.“

"I truly hope that‘s not something you use to pick up women with. Pointing out a woman‘s faults is not the right way to get into her pants.“

"Faults? What are you on about, Nicks? And also, who said I was trying to get into your pants?“

"Oh, I don‘t know... maybe your hand inching up ever so slowly inside my dress?“

"Wha... fuck, I didn‘t even realize I was doing that.“

"It would be wrong, you know...“

"Would it?“

Would it really? A senseless fuck between two people who are feeling a bit lonely tonight, nothing more. Of course, forgetting the fact Mick‘s married and we‘re in a band together.

Mick‘s looking down on me, waiting for an answer, but apparently I‘m taking too long, so he leans down and kisses me. I‘m trying to process what‘s happening. His persuasiveness easies my resistance and I part my lips. Who would have ever thought Mick Fleetwood is such a great kisser!

I straddle Mick around his middle and he lifts my dress around my hips, that‘s when I realize I‘m very naked underneath my gown. "So after all you don‘t wear underwear?“

"What do you mean, after all?“

"Oh, we we were just wondering...“ He doesn‘t let me question him anymore, smashing his lips against mine.

My chiffon dress is lifted over my head and tossed aside. I feel very exposed, but I‘m not at all embarrassed thanks to all the substances I‘ve taken tonight. I attempt to unbotton Mick‘s shirt, but he stops me and I sit up. "...what?“

"I want to look at you.“

"You‘ve seen me before, Fleetwood.“

"Not like this, no...“ I see his Adam‘s apple rise and fall. "You‘re breathtaking.“

"This is the brandy talking.“ Now I feel embarrassed.

He touches my cheek with the side of his hand and then tucks a strand of my hair away from my face. I never expected this man to be so sensual. I cover Mick‘s hand with mine and then place it on my side. I think we both got sober very quickly and if either of us didn‘t want this to go on, we wouldn‘t allow it, but...

Mick doesn't put it any effor to switch our positions, him hovering above me. We kiss and kiss until our jaws are starting to hurt. I help him out of his clothes and now we‘re both exposed to each other the most we‘ve ever been.

Mick nuzzles my neck and I can‘t stop myself. "Do you really want this?“

"Do you?“

"I wouldn‘t be here otherwise, Mick...“

"That‘s all I needed to know.“ He smiles and eases off my nerves.

He enters me and I immediately want to kiss him again. I have never thought about me and Mick, never. But it feels so different, we share raw emotion, we both obviously need this. I feel protected in his warm embrace.

I didn't expect him to think of what I might need first. Everyone I've been with lately had the same goal, fuck Stevie Nicks and move on, half of those times I didn't even feel anything close to pleasure and satisfaction. 

I don't stop myself from crying out once I feel that ecstatic feeling rush through my body. He rolls off me and onto his side. For some reason I feel sad, partly because the sex was really great and it's over, and partly because most likely this was our only time together like this. We get dressed in complete silence. I want to run out, but it‘s just too late and I‘m too tired to leave this house.

"Mick, I...“

"Don‘t, Stevie. Just... Don‘t say anything.“

I close my eyes briefly and when I open them, Mick‘s standing in front of me. "What are y...“ I don‘t get to finish, when his arm slides around me and he kisses me roughly. He lifts me like I‘m weightless and carries me to his bedroom.