Mein Liebling

Untitled Part 20

After vhat vas probably several hours of going back and forth between trying to read to distract meinshelf , und giving up to just sit und shtare at zhe vall ... Zhe tears seem to dry, und I find my feet carrying me to zhe shower.

I kick off my boots und twist on zhe vazer before undressing. I... do not know vhy but I must have twisted zhe handle all zhe vay . It's scaldingly hot vhen I shtep in, und I curse briefly before turning it down a few notches.

I can see her shmile , hear her laughter, feel her playful lips against my skin as she jokes vizh me about zhe vaser temperature. Zhe tears shtart again, und I lean against zhe side of zhe shower, shliding down to sit und rest my head in my hands.

I can't do zhis alone... vhy did you have to leave me liebling?

Never before had I realized just how alone someone could truly be, until I lost you.

You made me feel alive again, und gave me hope, und joy, und now you're gone... I couldn't protect you.

Maybe zhis vas my true curse: to find you, to learn vhat joy life could hold und to experience love, only to lose it und be forced to finish my life knowing zhat I vould never have zhat again. Perhaps zhis was my penance for zhe zhings I had done; my punishment; mein life's sentence, free to valk zhe Earth but doomed to valk it alone.

It vas too good to be true, und I knew zhis . I shouldn't have allowed it to get so far, to get so attached. I knew zhat zhis could only end in heartache.

Nein...

I – I vouldn't trade any of it. I vould do it all over again just to have vhat little time I did vizh you.

Even if I have to endure zhis pain for all eternity, I know zhat loving you vas vorth it.

I sniffle und shtand , quickly cleaning before shutting off zhe shower und dressing in fresh clothes.

Gaius stirs from zhe bed, raising his head only briefly as zhough expecting her to valk out zhe bathroom door vizh me, but lowers his head und droops his ears vizh a soft vhimper vhen proven wrong.

"I miss her too..." I mutter, knowing zhe dog is grieving as vell.

After a small bit of digging around, I find an empty notebook, und a pen, und begin writing vizh as much detail as I can recall every moment from meeting her until... losing her...

I vant to remember all of it, zhe vay she made me feel, zhe shound of her voice, zhe faces she made vhen I vould wrap mein arms around her, und zhe vay her eyes vould light up vhen she looked at me. I had never felt zhis before; so loved, so trusted, so ... worthwhile, und I vanted to keep zhese memories vizh me forever.

Time passes rather quickly, und I find meinshelf shtopping to stretch or give Gaius food, zhough I shtill can't bear to eat anyzhing meinshelf . He barely munches, und I can't blame him, but at least he's trying.

I give him a soft pat on zhe head before returning to my vork , having already filled countless pages. Zhe emotions flow, good und bad, und I find meinshelf laughing, zhen crying; shmiling to meinshelf , und zhen burrying my face in mein hands.

Razher zhan focusing on zhe grief of zhe end... of losing her... I try inshtead to finish by writing a letter to her, venting my feelings, bearing my soul und getting out all zhe vords I never had zhe chance, or zhe courage, to shay to her in person. I never even told her zhat I loved her. I should have told her every vaking moment of zhe day, und I didn't. But here, in zhis notebook, vas now my recollection of our brief time togezher , und all zhe emotions I have for her, und zhe promises I vow to keep to make sure zhat she is never forgotten. I vill cherish zhese memories forever, und I know zhat zhis book vill bring both joy und sorrow, but it is shomezhing I vill keep vizh me alvays.