Mein Liebling

Untitled Part 21

I vake und stretch, feeling a shift beside me und rubbing zhe shleep from my eyes before turning to face Gaius. Sitting up shlightly, I glance around zhe apartment und... zhe memories flood back. It vasn't a dream.

She's really gone.

Zhe aching returns to my chest as I flop back against zhe bed, Gaius gives a huff und rests his head on my shoulder, whimpering softly.

"I miss her too..." I mutter, scratching at his ear gently und feeling zhe now familiar shting in my eyes.

Vizh a deep breath, I realize I had only been vizhout her for one day. Zhough... I do not forsee it getting any eazier... I do hope zhat I villbe able to function again vizh time. For now... I give in to zhe grief, feeling zhe vetness roll down my cheeks as I turn und bury my face inzhe pillow, vishing for shleep to find me again und take me from zhis nightmarish reality.

Day 3:

Mein shtomach growl, vaking me und Gaius from our deep shleep. I glance at zhe time, und see zhat I had succeeded in napping zhe dayavay. It's not healthy, nor is it the proper vay to deal vizh loss, but... I need time, und I feel incapable of processing anyzhing, much less functioning properly.

Vizh a sigh, I shtand und make my vay to zhe fridge, followed my Gaius padding along at my side. Admittedly, I find meinshelf quite fond of zhe dog, not only because he belonged to her, but because he is an unbiased companion to grief vizh; shomeone to share my painvizh und not have to vorry about conversation or shmall talk.

I refill his bowl, und grab a box from zhe bag Zack had brought. Even zhough I feel sick to my stomach at zhe zhought of eating, I do feel hungry, und I know zhat I cannot go anozher day vizhout food vizhout falling ill.

Reluctantly, I take a few bites, opening zhe book on astrophysics I had left at her nightshtand und attempting to read more, hoping zhedistraction vould allow me to eat more. My mouth doesn't vant to chew, und mein throat aches from zhe crying, but my stomach is glad for zhe food und I manage to eat quite a lot.

I shtill feel sick, as zhough I lack any ability to survive anymore; zhe vill to live dwindling, und I decide to flip zhrough zhe pages of zhenotebook I had filled to remind meinshelf vhy I had to go on.

Looking at her picture hurts, but it does bring a shmile to my face, und zhough confusing... zhis pain is good. I loved her; nein, I shtill love her, und alvays vill.

Vizh a sigh, I clean zhe dishes und move to zhe bathroom to vash mein face. Zhe mirror... is not my friend today.

My eyes are bloodshot und shlightly puffy, zhe stubble along my jaw starting to itch my skin, my hair sticking up in every direction, my skin a sickly gray color seemingly devoid of life. I hang my head und close my eyes, vhat vould she zhink of me if she saw zhis?

Swallowing, I push back zhe pain in my throat, und fumble around for a razor from my zhings I had unpacked. It doesn't take long, und Ishtill look miserable, but... I do look more like myself. Zhe shave, zhe fixed hair, zhey help, but zhe emptiness behind my red eyes... zhereis no fixing zhat.

As if on cue shomehow, zhere is a light knocking at zhe front door.

Reluctantly, I move through zhe apartment und twist zhe handle.

"Hey doc," Dempsey, Nikolai, und Takeo shtand in zhe hallvay, all seeming a bit pale zhemshelves. Dempsey's eyes zhe most puffy of all, but it is clear zhat zhey all grieved as vell. "We uh, we just wanted to see how you're holding up." He shakes his head and drops his shoulders. "No we didn't, we came to make sure you hadn't off-ed yourself already."