Mein Liebling

Untitled Part 30

The day seems to drag on, your mind continuously wondering off as you contemplate just how to approach the conversation with Edward. It won't be easy... the only people who really know that part of your story only know it because they were there to witness it all unfold. Zack, and a handful of others who had been there with you from the early days, are the only ones who truly know the intimate details; others simply know to never ask about it.

Even though you never intended on keeping anything from him, you find yourself genuinely worried about how he may see you afterwards. Would he still want someone like you? Would he still love you so unconditionally? Would he regret his trust in you? Would he tell the others? Would they all hate you? Would he pity you?

With a sigh, you clench your eyes shut and pinch the bridge of your nose, feeling a headache coming on at the swirling echo of voices within your own head.

No.

Edward loves you, and has been able to share himself with you, so he will obviously accept you in the same way.

But...

What if?

There's no point in stressing about it now, you won't be able to talk to him until you get home tonight, and there's still so much work to be done here. Your thoughts scatter, broken bits and pieces of information that scurry away as you try to put them back together, blurring again into a mess of insecurity and nerves.

Zack places a gentle hand on your shoulder, causing you to jump in surprise. "Hey, woah, calm down there." He chuckles. "You alright? You've kinda just been standing here staring off into nothingness for a while."

Nodding curtly, you stand up straighter, attempting a meager smile. "I'm fine."

He folds his arms across his chest. "I've known you long enough, I'd think you'd just tell me what's on your mind by now."

You sigh again, shaking your head and feeling your brows knit together as you cast a glance across the warehouse to briefly watch Edward. "What do I even tell him?"

Zack shifts his weight to lean against the table, half sitting, and pats the surface next to him, waiting for you to join him before continuing. "I didn't mean to bring it up in front of him like that, I assumed you told him already... with how close you two are. I mean I haven't heard you say the 'L' word in ages."

A short laugh escapes your lips, a genuine smile crinkling the edge of your eyes as you meet his gaze. "The 'L' word?"

He smirks in response, shaking his head. "You know what I mean. I've heard the two of you, telling each other you LOVE each other all the time, being so sweet it makes everyone around you sick to their stomachs. It's pretty disgusting actually."

Rolling your eyes, you playfully nudge his arm with your elbow. "Yeah, I know, we're grotesquely cute."

He drapes a comforting arm across your shoulders. "You really are. I'm happy for you..." He trails off for a moment, seeming to think on his next words before speaking again. "I'm happy for both of you, but I think you should tell him as soon as possible. We uh... We spent a lot of time together while... you were gone." He clears his throat and shifts a little to pull you closer, his arm tightening in a sort of side hug. "I told him that he could come talk to me whenever he was ready, and one day, he did. He wanted to know more about you."

Glancing up to meet his eyes, you quirk a brow. "Me?"

Chuckling softly, he nods sarcastically. "In case you haven't noticed, the man kinda has a thing for you. He wanted to know more, hear old stories, learn your routine with Gaius so he could take care of him better, even the mundane things like your favorite food or favorite color. I think he even kept a journal, like a running letter to you, to help him cope. I gave him a few of our old pictures to keep in it, that really seemed to make him happy at the time." He smiles to himself, thinking back on the memory. "I don't think you realize how much you mean to him."

"What if that changes?" You whisper under your breath, still somewhat unable to fully utter the words aloud. "What if he... sees me differently... after I tell him everything? What if-"

"Hey," he squeezes his arm tighter again, "Do you know why he spent so much time leading ops? Or why he came to talk to me every day? Why he had such a hard time when you first showed back up?"

You shake your head softly in response, waiting for him to continue as you drop your eyes to the ground, fiddling with a piece of dirt stuck under one of your nails as you try to concentrate on his words rather than your own insecurities.

"He wanted to make you proud." He nudges you, waiting for you to look up and meet his eyes again before indulging you in further details. "I'm serious, he was so worried about letting you down, like he would disappoint you if he didn't try his best. Honestly... that first day... I could see it in his eyes; the emptiness. I've seen that look before... you know the look I'm talking about... I was really scared he would do something stupid, but the moment I reminded him that the reason you were willing to sacrifice yourself was to save everyone, and that it would all be in vain if he gave up... he seemed different. He still grieved, of course, but he found ways to keep your memory alive, and once he started visiting me, he seemed to leave a little happier after each conversation."

"That almost makes it worse." You mumble, feeling your shoulders droop. "Like he has me on this pedestal... When he finds out what I did..."

Zack sighs and watches for a few moments, chewing at the inside of his cheek, a nervous habit he developed when deep in thought. "Listen," he finally speaks, "we've been over this a thousand times, but I'm gonna say it again since you seem to need reminding, okay?"

He seems to wait for you response, but you stay silent.

"Okay." He continues on anyway. "What happened was not your fault. You suffered more than anyone, and you've continuously thrown yourself in harms way to try to make up for what you think you did. You've grieved long enough, blamed yourself long enough. It's time to move on, to be happy. We have enough shit to deal with here, there's no point in adding more weight on your shoulders when it's not necessary. It wasn't your fault."

Sniffling softly, you rub at one of your eyes, trying to prevent the building tears from progressing any further. "But it was, Zack. I should've done something, and I didn't, and ..." You shake your head. "What if he doesn't like who I am anymore, after I tell him?"

"I think," He squeezes you again before standing upright to survey the progress across the building, "That you don't give Ed enough credit. The guy has been through some major shit, and I'm sure he's capable of seeing past what, on the surface, is a horrible story, down to the truth of what really happened." His eyes fall on you again, his hand grabbing your arm to tug you up into a full hug. "He's madly in love with you, and you're a good person. Just tell him the truth, the whole truth."

"Yeah." You mumble against his chest before looking up to meet his eyes, his several inches of height difference feeling foreign after spending so much time with Edward.

He ruffles the hair at the top of your head, earning an annoyed groan from you as you wiggle out of his grip and hastily run your fingers back through the now tangled mess of frizzy floof atop your skull, and prances off with an accomplished grin before you can retaliate.

Within a few seconds, you manage to fix your hair, your gaze drifting back to the warehouse floor and immediately finding Edward. A small crew listens intently at his every word, though he's too far for you to hear, his arms motioning back and forth as they nod along in understanding.

You find yourself smiling again. Though you aren't remotely looking forward to the talk, you do feel better after hearing Zack's take on the whole situation.

But, there's a reason you don't tell anyone. Monsters don't like sharing their transformation stories, their origins; what made them shift away from the darkness. Monsters rarely get second chances, and yours had already been used up. Would you get a third?