hopscotch and lizards • frerard

x • xo

He felt dumb and miserable by the time he met Mikey's band off-stage.

It was a bit of a mess, the whole thing just reminded him of how he wasn't on good terms with Niel anymore, and maybe he was terrified of Niel not forgiving him. It haunted during the entire set, but he was trying to distract himself with the music and stupid conversations and-

Said conversation stopped to a screeching halt when Mikey's bandmates welcomed someone on the other side of the room.

It was Niel.

And Frank had no fucking clue why Neil was there, the tour hadn't ended yet. But he glided - better yet, stumbled over his own legs in shakiness - over to him before he could even think up an apology, so all that came out of his mouth was, "I fucked up."

It seemed to catch Niel's attention, who seemed as surprised by Frank's presence as Frank was by his. He just waved at the drummer and took a sideways step to get further away from Frank, Frank was driving him away, Frank had been constantly driving him away for the past three years-

He blurted out, "I'm sorry. And I'm not asking, shit Niel, I just need you to know you- I know you were right."

Niel looked down as he scrambled for a drink. He was still trying to keep a calm face, obviously, he always did. He was one of the most emotionally hyper-aware people in the whole of Jersey, much to Frank's current frustration. He said, "It doesn't- Frank, that's great, but it doesn't fix everything. Not like you might think it does-"

"I don't. But just hear me out, because I can't deal with knowing I've fucked us up forever, without at least trying to do this on good terms," Frank caught Niel off before he could speak again. "You gave me the best damn terms I could've asked for, but please just humour me."

Neil eventually nodded, slowly, adjusting his shirt and jeans and straightening his back.

"You were right. I, I was being self-centered. I guess I'd gotten so attached to the band that it was part of me - I still am, honestly. But it's because I cared. I cared so fucking much that it scares me,” Frank confessed, looking directly at Niel and trying not to fidget with his sleeve.

Neil had given him this time to talk, and he was spewing out things he'd never even considered before that very second, but that he needed to say regardless. He was just an ant, held under a microscope long enough for its insides to start spilling out.

Frank said, “Proving myself right was like- I was scared of people disappointing me, so I couldn't disappoint myself, y'know? And, and I never tried to push you away Neil, I care so fucking much. I'm always scared you'll stop caring. I'm always scared you'll let me down. So I'm sorry if I did it for you, I just never saw it as an option.”

"And, uh, If I know I hate something I can just put it in some part of my brain and pretend there's nothing more to it, y'know? I'm a Coca Cola and Mentos of wasted potential so, there's that...” he concluded, catching himself off guard, giving one more vomit of words before his inevitable death to the fires.

"Is this really what you were grasping at? Coca Cola and Mentos,” Neil joked, although he'd been silent in place for the whole of Frank's speech. His face wasn't quite as tense as it's been a minute prior, like he'd consciously tried to relax his forehead.

"Shut up, you know what I mean,” Frank blabbered, hiding his face behind his arm as he ran a hand through his hair.

"You mean that you're scared and you're sorry and I'm right?” Neil said, halfway to baffled. “Didn't think I'd live to see this day.”

Frank rolled his eyes, casually adjusting his shirt to wipe the sweat that had gathered on his back.

His heart was exploding. Or breaking. It was definitely doing something, loud enough for Frank to hear through all of the noise in and out of his body.