Random thoughts

An Empty Day/ The Phoenix

help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me help me

help me help me help me help me help me

                

                 Save me from myself.

I feel empty. I need to run away. I need to sit, somewhere cold. Somewhere where it's raining. I need to get soaked by the rain and sit there until it washes away the emptiness that grows in my heart.

I wish I weren't in California. I wish I could run away from everyone and everything I know. I've never understood people who live on their own. I do now.

She's having a bad day and so am I. I want her to be okay. If she's okay I can run. I could run to England. It would be raining there. I could be washed away.

I can sit on Pendle hill and let the rain wash me away. Wash away my memories, my sins, my mistakes. Wash away everything I am and start over. A blank slate. That sounds nice.

I don't want to come back. If I ran away, I would stay away. I hope she wouldn't follow me. I hope she realizes that I'm insane. I hope she realizes that I'm not worth it. I never have been.

Would've been, could've been, should've been, never was and never ever will be. 

I am ending. I'll sink into the abyss. I've fallen but I swear to you I'll rise again. I'll rise anew. I've worn myself out.

In between, I'll have no emotion. I'll be a robot. I'll go through the motions. I'll be okay though. Because I've gone through countless days like that.  Days where you drift by. Where you are a wraith. Sometimes you question your very exsistance. They are absolute hell. Or they would be, if I could feel when they happen.

This will be different. Because I know soon I'll come to the edge. And this time I'll take that jump. I'll descend into complete madness. I'll destroy my old psyche. I'll burn it down and rise from my ashes.

Some things will still be the same about me. Some will be different. I'll still skip meals. I'll still be borderline. But I won't be exhausted. I'll find my light. I'll hold onto it. I'll be okay.

This was really long. I guess there's more in my head than I thought.