Random thoughts

I'm a fucking idiot

What the fuck did I do?

Why did I do that?

I know I was having doubts

They always go away

I don't think she'll ever see this

I hope she does

I hope she doesn't ignore the notification

She needs to know I miss her

I miss her smile

I miss her caring about me

She probably hates me now

I'm a fucking idiot

I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for one other person

I swore I wouldn't and I did

Now I'm paying the consequences

If she knew the truth, she'd break

In the meantime, it's breaking me

This other person cares about me

He's probably the only one

I'd wish myself back to two days ago and I'd slap my face off

So I'll lean on him, and my friends will hate me and she'll hate me and then he'll fuck up or I'll fuck up and I'll have no one

I hope I can be forgiven

I need you to know

If you see this

I broke myself

The way I knew I would

I cried on the bathroom floor

Curled up in a ball and died

I have at least one person who cares about me even though I'm probably his trophy

So I'll do what I planned to

Even if it kills me

Even if my best friend calls me a slut because of it

Even if my other friend can't believe it

Even if it kills me seeing her alone

I'll do it

Because I don't know what to do