I won't drag you down with me

Prologue

The water was gusty and stirred up, the wind tearing it apart and recomposing it culpably.

I fought against the raindrops sneaking into my palms and intensified my shaky grip on the icy banister right behind me.

The storm was getting heavier by the minute. I could hear the rain crashing on the waves and shattering on the surface. I could feel it drenching my hair, now stuck at the sides of my face.

Feeling the dread of a panic attack rising down my throat, I took a deep breath.

My eyes were clouded by tears I didn't want to drop.

I closed them and leaned forward.

Just one little step and it'll be over. Everything will be gone. You won't have to feel like this ever again.

I shook my head, my eyes closed, trying to get rid of that voice in the back of my mind.

I was tired of fighting. Of pretending that everything was fine.

I was tired of having to live those memories over and over again in my head.

I just wanted it to stop. Just for one, damn moment.

All I wanted was to hear nothing. To feel nothing.

To be nothing.

I looked down and saw my shoe's back on the edge of the brick where my foot rested.

Just a small step. That's it, the voice whispered again, making me shiver.

I tightened the grip on the railing behind me. The wind hit my face and forced me to look away for a moment.

And then I realized: there was nothing left for me there.

Nothing worth living for. No one to love, or to be loved from.

What was the point of living, if all it took to stop the pain, and the memories, and the numbness, was a small, little step?

I opened my eyes again and peered down the bridge. The rain had gotten heavier, but I didn't care. Just a few seconds and I wouldn't have had to worry about that anymore.

I removed my right hand from the railing, hanging on my left one as I felt my feet slippery on the now flooded bridge.

And then I smiled; not because I felt happy. I didn't even know what happiness was supposed to feel like.

I smiled because, for the first time in my life, as I stood there, half of my body already in death's grip, and the other half still clinging to life, I wasn't scared, or anxious, or disgusted by myself.

Whatever I was about to face couldn't be any worse than what I had already faced.

So I jumped.

Of course I did.

And, for a moment, I felt it.

As I floated in mid-air, even if only for a small, little moment, I felt the pain in my chest ease, as if something had lifted that weight off my body.

For the first time in my life, I was free.

But it didn't last.

Because just when I thought it was over and I could breathe again, I was on the hard, cold cement of the street, and someone was hovering over me.