Mean Girls Missing

14

April 20

9:20 pm

Samantha

Arnie cleaned out his closets. He found lots of goodies that he didn't need anymore, so Steph and I could have them. We finally got our CD player, as well as every CD he owned to go with it. It had a little antenna we could stretch and get the slightest radio connection. It wasn't much, but hearing our old favorite songs felt like a different life. Arnie had also found some board games. Between Monopoly, Uno, and Life, I was determined to kick Stephanie's ass.

He had delivered the stuff earlier in the afternoon. We put on the radio, singing along to Ariana Grande's latest hits. I rolled the dice and landed on Chance, getting another round trip to Go. Steph groaned as I slid the two hundred into my pile of cash.

"God, you always get the good cards." She took her turn and landed on Indiana Avenue. "How much do I owe you?"

"Fourteen."

She handed me the fake dollars.

"Thanks!"

Steph flipped through her owned properties and the tiny pile of money in her lap. She cringed. "Can I surrender? You win."

"Why do you want to surrender?"

"Because we've been playing for an hour and a half and you're whooping my ass. I lose. Whatever." Steph set everything into the center of the board. "My back hurts."

"Okay." I cleaned everything up and slid it neatly into its box. The box went on the floor with the rest of games Arnie had found for us. "What do you want to do then?"

She was laying on her tummy on the sofa. Her face was buried in the cushion, but she tilted it enough for me to make out the words.

"I just want to... be. Think. Dream."

"Okay. Let's think."

I thought about a bunch of different things. It was like a blind meditation activity. I started with the easy stuff and worked down to the stuff that got so hard to think about I was squirming and shaking and spazzing.

I got lost in them for a long time. Steph did, too. I stayed on the floor, back against the cement while I shut my eyes and travelled through the dark spirals of my brain. They took me to scary places.

Making dinner tonight was an easy thought. Macaroni and cheese, probably with sliced hot dogs and some type of vegetable. Whatever I could find in the freezer that would mesh well on the side. Reminiscing about my childhood when I played games with Stephanie, specifically checkers, and she always got angry because I would win. It was easy for me to predict her next move, so I could plan several moves ahead of myself.

And then I wandered off to the breakdown worthy thoughts. Like what I would do if I never got out of here. It was possible. Arnie could get away with this for years and he could take this to the grave with him. We might die in here if he kept us for the rest of his life. I couldn't imagine he would ever take us out of the dungeon and let us stay in a home. There was too much risk of us attempting to escape. Or what I would do if I had to seal the deal with Arnie. He would expect that from us at some point, right? Arnie referred to our imprisonment as a relationship and most romantic relationships usually end up engaging in the birds and the bees...

That was squirm-worthy. Vomit-worthy. Ew.

Austin.

I loved him so much that the thought gave my heart tremors. Arnie asked us the other night if Stephanie or myself had ever been in love. My mind drifted to Austin and the bullshit responses he would give me when I begged him for clarity on our relationship. The rage from those situations had never gone away. I realized that as my mood at the dinner table turned sour and I said no. Austin liked to play games so I was going to play games with him. I had never loved anyone.