Mean Girls Missing

10

April 5

2:21 am

Stephanie

I had been sitting on the cold tile floor in front of the toilet for an hour.

At first I was dreaming about Carlos. We were on the beach together. I had been wearing my adorable teal bikini. I couldn't remember exactly what he was wearing, but I knew he had on khaki shorts because I loved the way Carlos looked in khaki shorts.

We were sitting on a towel, sipping champagne with a picnic basket in front of us. Grapes, cheese, crackers, chocolate covered strawberries, you name it and it was in the basket. We were talking, laughing, eating. Having an amazing date as we normally did. I couldn't help but notice the sunset twinkle against the diamond ring on my left hand. A matching silver band swirled around Carlos' ring finger.

It was our honeymoon. We had been talking about having babies. We went to take a dip in the water and I had somehow got sucked up in a riptide. It pulled me under the water where everything went black. And then the blackness faded to the dungeon, where I'd waken up in my dream, and realized I was ripped away from the love of my life. It was incredibly depressing to reenact what happened again in my sleep.

As the dream continued, it switched into a nightmare. I couldn't recall everything but the last thing I remember was seeing Arnie's hands crawl across my naked body. He had me chained against the wall so he could do whatever he pleased.

That's when I woke up. With vomit at the back of my throat, threatening to spew all over my bed. I rushed into the bathroom and made it just in time for the chunks to hit the bowl. I'd been sitting here ever since, in the silence, alone with the thoughts that kept thinking about those nightmares and more puke would come out of me.

This was the routine for the last week or so. I don't know how long it had been since that nasty date. The days blurred together, hours upon hours of the same old boring shit in the silence of the cement prison.

I had never felt so violated.

Ever.

I couldn't do anything about it. Except let him do what he wanted. And I hated the fact that I didn't even have a right to my body anymore. My privacy was gone. No consent. Just take it and shove the feelings down. Don't deal with it.

I hated who I had become.

The real Stephanie didn't seem to exist anymore. I thought I still saw bits of her come out from time to time but for the most part, she was dead and void. Now I was an empty hole with no emotion.

This was going to kill me one way or the other.

Another wave of nausea ran through me. I choked it out one more time before wiping off my mouth and flushing it away. After I was certain there was nothing left to throw up, I brushed my teeth and laid back under the blankets to find some type of peace. Or sleep.

I didn't get very much of either.

**

The next morning, or just a few hours later really, I was getting ready with Sammi. She held a dress in her arms while I was scoping out what I wanted to wear. I told her about the nightmare part of my dream and the constant puking. She smiled weakly at me.

"I know what you mean." is all she responded with.

We did our makeup together. Even though we didn't talk as much as we used to, it was still comforting to have her by my side. Now that I've experienced how isolated and terrified I feel when I'm alone, I know that I need her here.