BEEEP BEEEEEEP
I rolled over. Weekend was long gone and Monday had come around like it did every week.
Weigh yourself.
I groaned and rolled out of bed. I went to the bathroom then picked up my scale from the drawer in my closet and lay it on the ground. I slipped off my sweatshirt and sweatpants. I pulled off my socks and took a deep breath. My feet rolled slowly, one by one, into the cold, shiny surface. When did weighing myself become such an endeavor and process? Since when did I hold my breath, waiting for the numbers to shine? I hadn't even noticed. A few moments passed until a number lit up on the display. 143.8.
Getting there, boo. Keep on this track and you'll look like the myproana girl before you know it. Stay strong.
"Stay strong," I repeated to myself.
1/2 cup of cereal (110) and 1/2 cup of skim milk (45) (total = 155) later, I walked to the bus and boarded it with a sigh. Numbers swirled in my mind; calorie intakes and outputs for a low net and maximum weight loss
I've got you, babe. You and I can push through. School is easy. You don't have to eat until lunch. If you could find ways to preoccupy yourself like you do at school, but at home or during meals, the weight would come off faster.
School was normal. I talked to Collin and tried to flirt, but instead of my usual confident self, all I could think of were Ana's words occupying my head.
Maybe he'd like you if you were thin. Maybe he'd flirt back or hug you. Maybe he'd ask you out and cuddle you and kiss you. It's only maybes, but right now there's no way he's not looking at you and thinking about your size. Control your lunch. Plan it out. You have to, because you're fat. You are, right? Right.
She was right. She always was. Lunch was stressful. No measuring cups, unknown calories surrounding me. Ana was screaming in my ears until they rang. After a few minutes of decision, I decided on a bag of rice cakes (90) with 1 cup (there were one cup pre-measured containers) of lite chicken noodle soup (85) (total = 175) (total intake = 230). I felt remarkably full for the amount of calories I was consuming. I guess it was working.
