Swimming Ducks

Part 4: Pan

Hey! I know this story is a little boring right now, but I have some pretty intense gay stuff planned, and also mention of a seagull mafia (thank you L. <3)

Taryn's POV:

I lay on my bed, watching the shadows on my ceiling sway gently as my curtains moved back and forth with the wind. It was Thursday evening and I had music quietly humming in the background of my room, the windows open (despite the bitter cold) and a huge blanket wrapped around me. Every few seconds I checked my phone, but Alice had not messaged. Why would she? I'd been acting so weird around her. I just didn't know how to communicate with her recently. I could barely look at her without getting too nervous to speak.

She hadn't been at school though, and hadn't replied all day... I tried to shake the worry from my mind but it wouldn't seem to budge.

Pull yourself together Taryn. This can't be you.

I rolled over and shut my eyes, which were heavy with sleep despite it being only 6 in the evening. God, if I could just get a grip of my emotions...

I considered praying, but now my parents deemed me old enough, I'd stopped going to church, and had little to no faith in God. I picked up my phone again, and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw "Alice <3" on the screen. I opened it.

"Hey, can I pop over?"

I typed back a quick "Yes." and she replied instantly.

"Awesome because, um, I'm here."

I slipped out of my blanket and ran downstairs, flinging the door open to reveal a very different Alice. Her long her was down and frizzy, a few more spots around her forehead, with dark circles around puffy red eyes. "Hi," she mumbled, slipping past me to come inside.

"MUM! ALICE IS HERE!" I hollered up the stairs. She yelled something in return as I grabbed Alice's hand (Taryn, you're confused, you're not meant to be having butterflies.) I led her gently upstairs and offered her a seat on my bed next to me, which she took.

Those aren't butterflies, please say those aren't butterflies.

"What's going on Alice?". She always checked hours before coming over, and she always made a point of saying hello to mum.

 I wrapped the blanket around her and put an arm around her shoulder, not sure whether it was the right thing to do.

Stop these feelings aren't right you can't have them stop stop stop.

 Her eyes began to well up. "Um, Dan left me," she whispered, looking down at the floor. I just stared at her. That boy loved her, and she was so perfect, why did he leave? I tried to suppress my quiet rage and asked her why. "He, um, I told him something, and the dick ended things."

"Alice, what did you tell him?". My voice was almost shaky, but I tried to play it off by clearing my throat. I heard her breathe deeply and lean against me slightly. I tried to ignore the almost sick feeling now building somewhere in me.

"Taryn, I like girls."

Something a little like a mixture of hope and surprise welled up in me and my chest swelled with something I couldn't describe. Alice. Alice liked girls.
"I mean, I like both." She seemed scared, waiting as though I might just recoil from her or hit her. I just stared for a second. My fingers buzzed with a mixture of fear and excitement and I resisted the urge to spill my deepest secret to her.

Not yet Taryn.

 "So, you're bi?", I asked, feeling sort of guilty. I didn't know if I was meant to ask and I shuffled awkwardly, smiling a little at her.

"Pan," she replied, smiling a little. I nodded slowly, stopping when I saw the tension build in her eyes and her shoulders hunch inwards. "What?" I asked, trying to make my voice soft but mostly failing. She shifted away from me a little, and I let her. Alice had never really been a huggy person, and immediately the guilt of making her uncomfortable panged in my chest.

"I just thought that, um, you wouldn't be, well, overly thrilled," she stammered a little, her voice small and almost shaking. I could feel my face twist into confusion, and clearly, she did too. "Because you, you know, your parents?". 

Ah shit, Taryn, clearly you act like a homophobe. Are you a homophobe Taryn?

I shook my head to clear my thoughts a little and looked up slightly. I could see my curtains' lacy shadows on my ceiling. Without warning, her head was on my shoulder again. 

TARYN. NO.

"I'm not my parents," I managed to force out.

GOD you CREEP. Those aren't butterflies they can't be butterflies. STOP TARYN STOP STOP STOP.

"Taryn? Taryn is everything okay?". I could hear her voice somewhere far-off but my mind was a mess of intertwined panic, like headphone wires left in my school blazer pocket.  

No no no don't say it.

"Alice I, um." I cleared my throat slightly, feeling fear grip my chest. I clenched my fists, gripping the bedclothes tightly.

Don't say it, because then it'll be real.

I bit on my lip, looking up at my ceiling more. 

"Alice, I think..." I trailed off into a whisper. "I think I'm a lesbian."

And then I started crying. I couldn't seem to stop. I tried to ignore the fluttering in my chest as Alice held me against her, whispering something I couldn't quite make out. All I know is that we were there for a while before I finally sat up, my cheeks burning with embarrassment. Alice's face was tear-stained.

"Taryn, I'm not sad about Dan."

"Why?". My perplexion clearly showed in my voice, as she smiled a little at me.

"I was over him long ago."