Swimming Ducks

Part 10: Panic

Hiii so this is a pretty short chapetr but an important one nonetheless. 

You will get more clues on who Mia is soon. <3

TARYN'S POV:

My feet hurt.

Not my real ones, though I was in too much mental pain to really notice if they were. But my metaphorical webbed ones, the ones that couldn't stop paddling against the ever-stronger flow of water against me. 

I didn't know what time it was. Only that the holidays were nearly over. It was dark. And cold. The kind of cold that crept through every crevice, ran its hands down your spine and laced its bony hands through your ribs. And I had been staring at my ceiling for what could have been days. I gave up trying to shut them, trying to give in to sleep, when the exhaustion that drew them shut was far weaker than the thoughts in my mind that forced them wide open. Lead weights seemed to have fused with my bones as I lay, my head and my heart aching, my head pulsing with pain and grief as I tried frantically to push my thoughts aside. But they came back, stronger. They wouldn't stop. Panic began to rise in my throat as I tried to block them out, tried to stop the floodgates in my mind from opening.

But they wouldn't.

God, you're a fuck up.
This is all your fault.
Everything is going wrong because of you.

I sat up, feeling my heart hammer heavily against my ribs, clutching my chest, which was tight and beginning to hurt. I squeezed my eyes shut. Tight. Tried to quiet the voices, but they kept screaming. I ran my hands over my hair, trying to breathe, but my throat had long since closed up.

You have to go back to school and face her.

My chest began to heave huge breaths as my vision started morphing as if through a  fish-eye lens. 

This is your fault.

Sweat was coating my palms despite the freezing cold. I was breathing fast, my breaths raspy. Fumbling desperately for sanity, I clutched my bedsheets, trying to rationalise the thoughts that screamed so loudly I could barely hear.

You don't deserve to be here you should die you should die you should die.

I wiped sweat from my face, every attempt to slow my breathing just making the breaths sharper, faster, more shallow. Cramps clutched my legs and arms and my chest seized up as I doubled over in pain. Tucking my forehead to my knees, I tried again to slow my breathing, tried to ignore the cries in my mind. My chest forced my breaths for another ten minutes or so as I sat there, my head yelling over itself so much that the voices were horrifically loud and incoherent.

Pick up the phone and talk to Alice.

The thought came to me from nowhere after my chest had loosened slightly and my breathing had slowed.

She won't even pick up.

But it was worth a try.

I grabbed my phone from my bedside, wincing in pain as the harsh light of my eyes shone against my eyes. I still felt that beating of my heart, but I could breathe now, my throat a little less dry and my palms a little less sweaty. Alice's contact name burnt into the screen, black words branded on the white of the Contacts app. I checked the time. 00:57. It was worth a shot. Immediately I begun to panic again.

Breathe. The worst is over. There's nothing to lose.

I closed my eyes and hit the button.

ALICE'S POV:

I was just finishing up on my phone when Taryn's name flashed across the screen. Almost instantly this weird mix of excitement and dread welled in my stomach. Why was she calling? And now, after nearly two weeks of practically no contact? I swallowed it, breathing slightly as my chest tightened, hitting the green "answer" button.