Swimming Ducks

Part 8: Where do we go now?

Hello! Here's part 8 for you. This chapter is really freaking sad, so don't read it if you're not in the right headspace. <3

TARYN'S POV:
Weeks went by after the sleepover without any change. I turned 17, Alice did a couple of weeks later. It was strange, Alice and I acting as we always did, Ash giving us a look occasionally as if to say "Just fucking get together." My chest ached a little more each day, my heart beating quicker whenever Alice's eyes met mine. But I had to move on. Clearly, Alice didn't want me, so I had to suppress the fluttering in my stomach and the sweet mist clouding my mind. But it seemed that the more I suppressed it, the worse it got.

She never loved me, and I was just kidding myself. I never loved her. I had to get over her. Three, four, five weeks passed, but by the Christmas holidays, I still hadn't managed to stop the way my head spun when she talked, or just looked at me, or even breathed. Oh well. I had two weeks over the holidays. Two weeks to get over this stupid little crush.

The Friday before the holidays was bitterly cold, as every evening was in Britain in December. It was already half-dark whilst Alice and I were waiting for the bus. My fingers and toes were aching and pulsing with the bitter cold that seeped into my socks and gloves, and my coat was doing very little to keep me warm. I shivered, pulling it tighter around me. Alice looked like she felt the same, her breath spilling in streams of mist from her lips.

Stop looking at her lips, you creep.

I jumped when Alice said something. What had she said? God, I was too stuck in my own head. "Sorry, what did you say?" I asked. She shrugged a little. "I mean. We should probably talk."

My heart began to pound out of my chest as panic begin to rise in my throat. I retried to act natural, ignoring the cold sweat beginning to bead on my forehead, not meeting her gaze.

Shit shit shit shit shit.

This was the conversation I meant to avoid. I swallowed again, clenching my fists to try to still my heart. "Yeah, okay." I just looked at her, trying to keep my gaze still, trying to search her eyes for how she felt. I couldn't read the expression in her eyes, and the cold look in them just made my stomach churn more.

"Ash's sleepover," she started, "I'm sorry, I don't know what it was. I know it was weeks ago now, but I... I just don't know what to make of it." I bit my lip, begging tears not to spring to my eyes. Not now, not in front of Alice. I forced a smile, praying that it looked real.

Oh god please say she can't see how nervous you are. Please say she can't tell what you're thinking.

"It's okay Alice! We're friends, friends do that," I tried to exclaim, realising I sounded more bitter than bright. I looked at the floor, watching it swim with tears forming in my eyes. I blinked them back and looked up at her.

"Are you mad at me?" she half-whispered, her eyes now darting around, panicking. I shook my head, still forcing my mouth into a smile.

Keep smiling. She can't know.

"Not at all! I hadn't even thought about the sleepover since it happened." The lie came easier than I expected, escaping me before I knew what I was saying. The words were bitter on my tongue, and I longed to take them back. To reverse what I'd just said. But I'd said it now, and that look in her eyes. I couldn't tell whether I'd shattered her or given her hope, hope that I would move on. I had to move on.

God, you idiot Taryn.

Alice was about to say something, but her bus rolled into the stop. "Bye," she murmured, running through the rain that was now lashing against the pavement and running in streams down the road. I watched her as she waited to get on, wishing I could run up to her and hug her.

You've messed everything up.

I bit back tears, waiting for her to get on the bus. The second it pulled away from the stop, tears were rolling down my face, and no matter how fast I wiped them away, they kept coming, faster. I stepped into the rain, letting it hammer into me, tiny needles pricking my skin. She didn't care like I did. I prayed it disguised my face as I sobbed, the rain against my skin nothing compared to the pain in my chest, my head, filling my heart like tar. I closed my eyes, and stood sobbing in the rain until my bus finally pulled in and I climbed on in a haze of confusion and disbelief.

This is all over then. No hope, no chance. Oh god, what have you done Taryn?

Why did you ruin it Taryn?

ALICE'S POV:
I faced out of the window on the bus, sitting alone at the back. There were voices around me, faces I should have recognised from school, but that all just blurred into one in front of me. I couldn't make out a word they said, my vision swimming and my head pounding too loudly to hear them.

Stupid. Stupid to have hope, stupid to wish. Stupid stupid stupid.

I didn't even realise I was crying until I caught my reflection in the window, my face blotchy, my nose running, tears staining my cheeks. My chest ached, everywhere ached. I held myself tightly, willing the pain to leave me, but it never did. It nagged relentlessly, like a child, refusing to leave me alone.

She hates you. She doesn't love you. Who are you kidding Alice?

Maybe there isn't a point.

God Alice, you've really fucked up now. Way to go.

The one person who I was holding onto hope for didn't love me. I didn't love me. God, I was good for nothing. I closed my eyes and let the weight of the world wash over me, crushing every bone in my body as it went.

There's no point.