The Black Book: The Last Romantic

Worthless

Worthless

There was a time naivety would prosper on my mind.
My thoughts, my heart, so young and mild responded in kind.
My love affairs though weak at heart, cried out for something deeper.
A yearning from the soul, so isolated like the reaper.

But what is to be done, in my mind's heart of hearts?
Sunken in my own despair, the darkest of dark arts.
A cry for a woman, a soul mate at last;
Oh how time escaped me, perceived my follied past.

My first love and broken heart was little more than a joke,
A nightmare from which I thought I never could have woke.
My heart the game; my feelings she would play,
For personal amusement, or so I heard them say.

I told her no, I told her don't,
Through her games I could see,
And as the first time I felt my heart crack,
I told myself she's worthless to me.

A year of grief and eventual rehabilitation,
A year of torment and self mutilation!
I prospered and endured; my heart still ticking,
I found another, ripe for the picking.

I wanted the soul mate and she reached out to me,
Of course I said yes!- My hands out in glee.
My tinkered heart to which I gave her the key,
To be with another who this time wasn't ashamed of me.

But the curse of the first hung gravely on my shoulders,
I hadn't the courage to give her a kiss.
The welds on my heart came lose from the solders,
As she left me behind and gave me the miss.

But surely she should've said something,
Surely she could have spoke her mind free.
Instead she had left,
Instead she's worthless to me.

I tried to avoid previous mistakes,
So desperate to avoid.
How many trials, tests and takes,
Before I can escape this endless void?

The next I was determined, I fought so very hard,
Romanticised from the start, so eloquent for a bard.
Though past mistakes soon caught on, farewell she had said,
Too nice, too indecisive, not masculine enough in nature!
   Too paranoid from my heart thus weared.

Despair became a certainty,
Again I could not believe.
But I tried my hardest- to hell with her!
I told myself she's worthless to me.

Such travesties have left me scarred,
Scars that lacerate my skin and heart.
Questioning to myself: Will it always be hard,
Or should I keep looking for a new start?

What came next seemed more promising,
Her clingy commitment had me taken.
So I looked to her and learnt to trust,
Between us, nothing was mistaken.

But that would've been too easy,
That my past would imbue.
She left when she tried to change me,
So I had to consider her worthless too.

Through doubt and pain, thick and thin,
I've grown insane with the state I'm in.
But I didn't give up, I said not today,
I said I'll find her some how or some way.

So came this girl I knew so long,
She's always been there for me.
For so long I never named one wrong,
In her, perfection I would see.

Like me in so many ways, I thought this was it,
A lie.
A lie!
A story over before it was writ.

She claimed she loved a man,
Who only ever made her suffer.
But she too had feelings for me,
In this destructive emotional buffer.

I knew no hope was there for me,
And I couldn't stand to hurt her too.
So when I left, I had to believe,
Her being worthless was the truth.

Maybe in time I'll find her,
The perfect girl for me.
Even if I don't believe,
Then for my personal sanity.

And then the most recent one,
The most recent at the time of this story.
My will and heart though undone,
Still believed they may find glory.

So with her I tried my hardest to stay,
I tried my hardest so she wouldn't go away.
I bit my toungue with whatever she'd say,
No different. She too left one day.

Such a curse destroys me;
It rots me to the core.
My heart yet can barely beat,
But still it yearns for more.

So is she worthless too,
Or am I just inept?
Aye it's I that's worthless,
Not them,
   A harsh truth I must accept.

21/12/14